Wednesday, December 23, 2009
When John and I first started dating, we went on a hike. It was a long, long, long hike. (Okay, a half day hike, but a long one)
I walked, hiked, climbed and not once did I bitch (hard to believe). It was at the end of the hike that John gave me my nickname - Nubian.
Nubian - Ancient Africa - Princess/Royalty who were carried everywhere and did not walk, hike or climb.
My posts will still be the same rants, thoughts and occasional bitching. Change is good, but in small doses.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
How crazy has this month become? Is it just me or has December just got out of control? For the past three years I have not put up a single Christmas decoration. Yes, my home would be the one with no lights, no bobbing santa's and no wire lit deer. I was considering replacing our porch light for a red light, but then remembered my last trip to Amsterdam.
I have seen the sheer panic in friends because they have not completed their shopping. They wait for the final 70% off deal and drive everywhere looking for that stupid robotic hamster because little Suzee/Johnee must have it!
The gifts pile under the Christmas Tree ten deep and the excitement and buzz is at a all time high - that high you experience when you find Christian Louboutins on sale and yes they are in your size! (okay maybe not you), but where was I, oh yes that high thing.
Christmas day arrives, gifts are opened, people gushing and lying about that loofah on a stick that doubles as a shower cleaner is just what you wanted, paper piling high and kids saying "is that all?". And then nothing, a totally downer, total depression and the thought of new debt now looms ahead.
We have lost something people! I think Hallmark employing psychologists is finally paying off. We have been sucked into the "if you love someone...", "show them you care this Christmas" crap that we have forgotten about the spirit of Christmas.
I finally figured out a few years ago that Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday in America. It is about being with family, being thankful for your friends who put up with your crap and blogs throughout the year and the overeating and laughing and drinking and most of all bonding!
No gifts exchanged, no expectations, no robotic hamsters driving the dogs insane, just you, your family and your friends.
This Christmas day my husband and I will be at the Catholic church soup kitchen feeding the homeless. This is our way of giving back to our new community and going home with the best gift of all, each other.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
December is not my favorite month.
December for me is not a month about glitter, gifts and glam.
December is the month that my father was kidnapped and murdered.
December is the month that every year since my father's death, I play the 'what if' game.
December is the month that I can be driving down the road and have to pull over because the pain in my heart is too intense.
December is the month that I just want the whole world to stop.
December is the month that I wish I could be with my family to reflect and just spend time together.
December is the month that my husband and son just know that a good cup of tea and an extra hug is all I need.
December is the month that would be a good month for my friends to buy shares in Xanax.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Day 1 - UPS leaves note on door that no person was home to receive a package - sign the back of the slip and the package will be delivered the following day.
Day 2 - Signed slip, put back on front door. Came home and ANOTHER slip was on door - slip needs to be signed. What? Did I go and sign with invisible ink again? Check slip - nope, signature very visible as it was done with a BLACK SHARPIE.
Call to UPS goes as follows:
CS - "Ma'am you had to be at home to receive the package."
Moi - "Really? I had a note just to sign."
CS - "Ma'am you can pick up your package at our warehouse after 6:30pm this evening."
Leave home at 6:30pm - drive 30 minutes to the Industrial Hood Area.
CS (Warehouse) - "The driver came back at 6:30pm, but had to leave again to help another driver, your package will be here at 7:30pm - you can go home and come back later"
Moi - "I am not going home, I will wait, is there a rest room I can use"
CS (Warehouse) - "No, it is not a public rest room."
Moi - "So what you are saying is I have to drive around the hood to find a gas station to use the bathroom?"
CS (Warehouse) - "Yes, I can't let you back into the office area, that is where we keep the valuable packages."
Moi - "Seriously?!" (at this point I am looking around the room for packing tape as I feel my arms automatically lifting into the SERIOUS bitch slap mode).
Time is now 8:00pm and still no package. Drive to a gas station where people at the counter are wearing ankle monitors... NICE!!
Call customer service:
CS (Travis) - "Ma'am there isn't anything we can do about your package you will have to wait. They cannot let you use the restroom, it is in the office area where they keep the valuable packages."
Moi - "So you are saying that I would steal one of the valuable packages on the way out of the restroom? Don't you think it would look a little odd - lady walks into rest room with handbag - leaves rest room dragging 'valuable' packages behind her? I have heard of many people leaving the rest room with toilet paper on the bottom of their shoe, but not an entire friggin package!?"
CS (Travis) - "Ma'am you can't use the restroom."
Moi - "Travis - are you married? How would you feel if your wife was in the hood, waiting for a package that was SUPPOSED to be there 1 1/2 hours ago, driving around looking for a gas station?"
CS (Travis) - "With no disrespect Ma'am, I wouldn't allow my wife to go into an Industrial area after dark."
Moi - "You did NOT just go there with me did you Travis?"
CS (Travis) "You can come back on Monday, but I can't do anything about your package being late and I cannot do anything about the restroom, is there a gas station near by? Thank you for using UPS"
Moi - "It will be the last time."
Package arrived at 9:00pm.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Why do there always have been a certain few that can spoil an event for those that have worked so hard to get it up and running? Are there really that many people out there that are just not happy?
Parking too far from ballroom, (I counted 100 steps from parking garage to ballroom). Price increased $5.00 (has never increased in 11 years). Wait to enter parking garage (average wait was 2 minutes) and the list goes on.
My favorite part of putting together an event of this proportion, is how many people deem it necessary to give you 'tips' on what you can do better next year. Really? Where were you when we NEEDED help? When we needed items to be transported, baskets to be made, donations to be collected? But you have a tip on how better we can place the baskets next year? I know EXACTLY where to place those baskets! Be grateful that I am unable to lift my arms to dutifully provide you with the slap you deserve, due to schlepping heavy baskets through a convention center.
I think that everyone needs to blog. It should be a part of required therapy when visiting your therapist. Okay maybe not everyone can blog, so here is my suggestion that we make bitch slapping legal. We could have a panel of judges and here is my selection.
My friend Chiromancer who lives across the pond and feels the same way as I do about Simon Cowell (and it is not favorable).
My fellow 'campaign for congress' slave - we might have to give him guidelines to bitch slapping though - we may need to do some tweaking, he would want to give everyone the same amount of slaps and we would be there for HOURS.
My Californian girlfriend Ms. T - she would write the marketing plan and proposal on our Bitch Slap Bill - grammar and punctuation will be flawless!
I think that would be a wonderful start to helping people along in the "Slapped to Sanity" program.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
How about ROFLMAO - Is it because I am not rolling on the floor, in deep laughter, that my 44DD tush is still with me?
There are women out there that are paying good money to have implants put in their skinny asses. Was God distracted when He got to the hip and ass portion of my body? Did he leave His finger on the create button a little too long?
Today's rant brought to you by:
'Thanksgiving Turkey, Gravy and Stuffing Dinner'
'Pass me another slice of Pumpkin Pie and fresh whipped cream'
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Just saw an ad on TV.
Show her how much you love her this Christmas. Give her a gift certificate for a Pap Smear.
If I find this in my Christmas stocking this year there will be a gift certificate for you. A visit to the proctologist to remove my foot from your ass.
When I came to America I learnt quickly that while I spoke english (a tich better than many), I was from a different culture. But I learnt to fit in. You know the saying, "when in Rome". There are many things that Americans do that would be considered offensive in my culture, but I am in YOUR country and therefore go with the flow.
I have encouraged many young people that before they go exploring the world, learn about that countries culture and what is offensive to them. Remember you are in THEIR country and certain things are not acceptable. Hint: in Europe water is NOT standard on the table in a restaurant, it will cost you extra - water is treasured - buy the water and shut up and for heavens sake please do not say "In America we don't have to pay for water". It will be a guarantee that your food will be "tainted".
America was founded on many different cultures. We are the melting pot. So why is it that I find many are less accepting of others. Is it because they do not believe the same and therefore are wrong? Just think of how many wars, fights, arguments and bitch slaps could have been prevented if we just took the time to learn from others. What a great idea, now who would I write to?
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
I think when we graduate high school we are so happy to be an adult we want to be far removed from our teenager, pimple, PMS days. (Side note, those do not stop when you become an adult, we just have more words to express how we feel and our parents can't wash our mouths out with soap for saying them out loud.)
This past week my school had a 'gathering' for girls in our year. I was unable to attend as this event took place on another continent. I won't say this was a reunion as no one does a high school reunion like the people in the States can - always about being bigger and better!
I am dying to get the scoop on who has done what and where they are now in their lives. I am giddy like a school girl to get the dirt and dish it with my old friends.
Let me explain. I attended an all girls school where I took the course, Bitch 101. I received a straight A. I was a natural. There were a few that managed to surpass me in that course and this is the reason why my evil side is showing.
I know what many would say, "turn the other cheek". My response is, "yes, please do, it would make it easier to slap them with two fingers because they are not worth my whole hand."
Sunday, November 22, 2009
I received an email today from a friend who I have known for years. The email was titled 'Read only if you have time for God'. Over the years, while they lived here, I did my normal over the top friendship criteria. When they left we stayed in touch and then my divorce happened. Gradually the emails stopped EXCEPT for the religious ones, you know the ones that state, 'If you have Jesus in your life I dare you email this to everyone' or 'Profess to the world your love for Christ send to 1,000 people and you will be greatly rewarded'.
I would email them updates on my life, through the divorce, meeting my husband, getting married, losing my job yak-yak-yak. No response, nothing, but hey those Jesus emails kept coming.
Today was not a good day to receive this one. It was hard to read the email as the steam that was coming out of my ears was fogging up my glasses. After I called my poor husband to vent and my sister who lives on another continent, I figured a response was in order.
This was my response:
I have always had time for God. God never abandoned me, people did. Thanks for the email.
I have no doubt that I am currently being deleted from their email list and any other list that had my name on it. There are times we just have to say to ourselves, in order to stay out of jail for repeatedly bitch slapping someone, it is best to back away.
And yes, it is okay to bitch slap someone, I asked God. I know I can find a quote in the bible that validates it!
Friday, November 20, 2009
"If any vegans came over for dinner, I could whip them up a salad, then explain my philosophy on being a carnivore: If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat? I love meat. I eat pork chops, thick bacon burgers, and the seared fatty edges of a medium-well-done steak. But I especially love moose and caribou. I always remind people from outside our state that there's plenty of room for all Alaska's animals -- right next to the mashed potatoes." Sarah Palin
There are just way too many things I would love to say, but my brain is running on overload. Sentences are running into each other and my fingers are not able to type as fast as the thoughts are popping into my head.
So stay posted, this blog for today is not over..... far, far from over.....
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
There is no show out there that could EVER compare to my roller coaster life and why would I want to watch people pretending to be normal, but acting, but still trying to act normally and trying not to notice the cameras strategically positioned above the toilet - to capture the morning ablutions routine?
Saw this one yesterday "Ted Kennedy's car has killed more people than my gun!" I am still trying to work this one out, but without a doubt the driver is a proud NRA Republican - feel free to correct me if you think I am on the wrong path with this one!
Child Bearing Hips
I have seen many skinny bitches out there that have given birth and they do not have hips you could easily place your can of beer on. Number one conversation I will be having with God.
Force Shield of ?
Why is it that there are some people out there that you KNOW have got to where they are by stepping on others? I can only reason that they have some sort of force shield protecting them. (bitch slaps can still penetrate a force shield in case you were wondering)
Mentally Draining People
While it has been known that I can get on with just about anyone, I would walk in front of a picture of a snake slowly just to avoid this type of person. There is a member in my family where you constantly have to entertain him 24/7 - any suggestions would be welcome.
Taking it back to simple
I am thinking about canceling the cell phone. I just have to come up with a way to notify all friends etc that I will be taking it back to simple. I will miss some of the media texts I receive from friends, but hey they could use email right? I am liking the idea of simple, Princess simple!
Do you have any random thoughts to share?
Monday, November 16, 2009
I have lots of pictures of my son when he was younger, all the bubbles and all the toys. I have never thought to post them on a public forum.
I know that for many people this is a way to stay connected with family, but why would you not then set your blog to private? Yup, you do have that option, I guarantee you that no exclusive model agency is out there checking blogs for the new Gerber baby.
Am I over reacting? Okay, so I am not Wal Mart where they turned in a couple when they printed pictures of their own children... that was ridiculous, but on blogs where there are many pedophiles just waiting to copy images, maybe the parents need to have a slight reality check!
Ah yes, and how would you suggest they come to reality Ms. Nubian.... well with a bitch slap and a "what the hell are you thinking" speech as I hold my wine glass firmly in my left hand. I have found that bitch slapping with my right works far better..
Maybe it is true that when we give birth we lose a few brain cells....
My friend, R, is this person. We met a few years ago through work and have remained friends. He takes quite a bit of my Princess tantrums by just laughing them off or sending me funny text pictures, still can't figure out the last picture though.... how large was that paintbrush? When I lost my job, he was there emailing me job postings, recommending me for jobs and best of all would just "mud sling" right along with me when I needed to vent.
These past few weeks R has stepped up to the plate in ways many would not. I won't go into detail, but suffice to say he has taken on a huge task to save a friend. I know that there are many who can attest to his great friendship. R has asked for nothing in return. Me, I would be insisting on an IOU with regards to a pair of Manolo Blahniks, and would be reminding you, when needed, that I know where the bodies are buried.
R, you are an amazing friend and I am honored to be included in your circle of friends.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Today I just want to have peace and quiet.
Today I want to be at a health spa somewhere in the mountains, where the only sound is the wind and leaves rustling in the trees.
Today I want to be curled up with a good book, no phone and a great cup of tea.
Today I just want to be by myself and not have to worry about anything.
Today I just wish someone would say, "Hullo, how are you?" and not "Hullo, will you?"
Today I wish that my scale would lie to me!
Today, I would like to be over.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Over the summer in 2007 my family took a trip outside the USA, maybe I should pause to let some know that there is life and other cultures outside this vast country, but I digress. My husband needed access to the Internet and from T-Mobile purchased their Internet plug in thingamajig for the computer.
Once we were out of the country we tried to use it, but it kept on "dropping" the connection so we went with a local company.
Now this is where it gets great!! On our return we received a bill from T-Mobile for... are you sitting down.... $739.47 for 52 minutes of internet time. So when I contacted T-Mobile the response was that this is what the country of origin charged us..... Okay dumb ass, did you not think I would call that country to check.... they charged T-Mobile 2c per minute!!
My option from T-Mobile was, pay your bill or we will put this on your credit report. I contacted the FCC and opened a complaint, but I think that the mobile company lobbyists got to them before I did as, wait for this, there was nothing they could do. (Insert shock and horror gasps)
Cellphone companies have taken over. Remember when we had to deal with QWEST as they were the only phone company out there? Well the saying "be careful what you wish for, it might just come true" comes to mind. We were tired of QWEST being the monopoly, but now we sit with contracts and out of control taxes on our cellphones and fees, fees to dial 911 if you were in a situation that you needed help.
I wonder if the CEO of T-Mobile has to pay the 911 fee? It may just take 4 bitch slaps to find out?
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Thank you for increasing our interest rate from 10.25% to 15.50%. I am in awe that you would repay us with such thoughtfulness. Every month we have paid our bill on time and yes we have even paid you OVER the minimum payment amount.
Our income has been reduced by 60%, but hey I am sure we can find the extra dollars to pay you.
The person I spoke with on the phone was very sympathetic in letting me know that all credit card companies are doing this, not just American Express. Really, I would never have guessed what with all the bail out money you all received. I would have thought that little ol' me would have received some kind of break. But how dare I even assume such tribble, must be my left brain working overtime.
So while you all receive your bonus, don't even give our family one fleeting thought. I am sure that I can find one hundred uses for stale bread and a can of beans for dinner, but please do go ahead and enjoy your lavish dinner as your staff bring it to you at night and you and your wives discuss where you will be spending Christmas this year, I hear hell is great this time of year.
I am sure that you sleep just fine at night.
p.s. 3 Bitch slaps to you and yours
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
A few pointers to those "buyers" that have been through my home:
- "The home is very plain in decorating" - well Mr. Idiot #1, I prefer the minimalistic look, not the country cottage threw up all over my home look. And guess what, you get to bring your own personal leopard print rugs, black velvet Elvis paintings and chia pets when you buy the home!! - 1 bitch slap
- "The basement has a lot of stuff in it" - Really Ms. Idiot #2, it is a basement, the storage area and everything is on shelves. And guess what, when I move all that stuff comes with me, yes it is true, I don't leave it all behind - 1 bitch slap
- "We would prefer a little more backyard" - Ah, explain, a little more backyard... firstly this is a subdivision, there may be "estate" in the title, but that does not pertain to the homes. 1/2 bitch slap
- "The house is listed for $250,000, do you think they would take $170,000?" There are no amount of bitch slaps for this one, just sympathy, sympathy for the woman that gave birth to you... how she must weep at night!
I am tired of inconsiderate Realtors, tired of being told "it is a buyers market" and tired of dealing with people and their comments about my home, a home that has provided shelter, warmth and good memories.... "plain" I'll show you plain....
Monday, November 2, 2009
So to whom should the anger be directed at? The recipient or me, the giver? I think that I am slowly learning, no one every accused me of being a quick learner. My circle of friends has now become substantially smaller and I have adopted the word - acquaintance - I have found that now when I separate people into the friend or acquaintance category the disappointment is not as great.
So for all those that have been inconsiderate or too busy, three bitch slaps to you. To me, who is finally learning - three happy finger snaps!