Friday, December 24, 2010

My Christmas Eve Blog Award

A fellow blogger Vinny C. presented me today with his blog award, 'The Tanned Hide Blog Award'. 

Go visit his blog As Vinny C's It and see what he wrote about the Princess and for everyone one of my followers that start following his blog I get a case of wine*!  Just think of how happy that will make me and as we all know it is always about me. 

Thanks Vinny for my Christmas gift.  I have no doubt you are wishing you could get off this easy in the gift giving department with your wife.  I am curious as to what her award would look like though?

*Vinny I prefer a good Cab Sauv, but you can mix it up with some bottles of Shiraz.  Don't bother with Pinot Noir, no one comes close to Oregon and their incredible Pinot's.  What?  You didn't know about the case of wine deal...just be thankful I am not asking for a pair of Christian Louboutin's for every friend of mine that follows your blog.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Christmas card etiquette.

My cards are all done, stamped, posted and received.  I mailed out quite a few this year, next year my list will be shorter, a lot shorter. 

Continue reading at your own risk because I have my bitch boots on and wine in both hands.

I mailed my cards the day after Thanksgiving.  International cards went out before then.  I asked on my Facebook page (which is now down a few friends) if anyone had received their cards.

The private emails are what blew me away with comments such as this:

"Don't know why you bothered, you're not getting one from me."

"You really do need to get a life and a job."

"I don't check my mail." (yes, you know who you are)

"Save the postage next year."

and my favorite...

"You always have to be so perfect."

I don't know which is worse, these emails or not even acknowledging that you even received a card from me.  People sure do know how to piss all over my happy bubble.

Let me share this little tid bit with you all ~ if I took the time to sit my fat ass down and write a personal note in every single friggin' frackin' fudgin' card it means that I thought of you because I consider you a friend.

Now I guess you will all be waiting next year to see if you get one from me the Saturday after Thanksgiving.

If you don't get one from me by New Year consider yourself bitch slapped.

*disclaimer before any feelings get hurt ~ there is not one person who reads my blog that this pertains to, hence my blog being private, this is a place where I can vent and you all just continue to roll your eyes and love me regardless.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Hullo my name is Nubian and I am a WoW Mom.

Tonight World of Warcraft (which from here on out will be written as WoW) will release Cataclysm.

T is very excited and can't wait for his game to arrive tomorrow.  I have been given strict instructions to call him immediately with the code.  T has played WoW for a while now and has the coolest characters ~ Mooca Latte being one.  I have never played the game, I have sat next to T when he is chasing sparkling dragons and unicorns, but I always have to leave as I suffer terribly from motion sickness.  Who would have thought a video game could make someone throw up.

Today's blog is about my son's game playing and what some people refer to as an addiction.  I am tired of the lectures and the speeches from people and I feel it is time to defend myself and why I am okay with T playing WoW.

When T first got involved I asked him about the game, who he was speaking to, what were they doing etc etc.  His bedroom door remained open and I became friends with his WoW friends.  I made and still do make it a point to be involved in his game playing.  I have 'met' many of T's online friends through Skype and video.  I am referred to as Zebra's Mom.

T graduated from High School with a great GPA, was on the honor roll and is currently taking his gap year in Australia and South Africa.  Playing WoW is a hobby just as knitting, reading, baking, cake decorating, working on cars, fishing etc is for many others.  If T spent as much time reading a book would anyone question that he is addicted to books?

T's assignments and projects were turned in on time and he completed his chores daily.  When T was in Junior High we came to an agreement.  If I needed something done I would ask "T, I need you to unpack the dishwasher, could you give me a time frame of when it will be done?"  T would then respond either within 10, 20, or 50 minutes, (the agreement was it could not be longer than an hour).  It works great for us because I know that it will be done and T has control of his time.  Think about how many times we as adults are working on a project and someone comes into our office telling us that a certain job needs to be completed.  I know I had to count to 10 on many occasions.

There are times when I have called to speak to my son and he has told me that he is currently involved in a 'raid'.  I totally understand and I call him later.  The problem is that other adults don't understand and assume I am feeding his addiction. 

Let us go back to a hobby, if my brother in law was reeling in a huge Tuna and my sister asked him to please put down is rod and change the babies diaper, I know that my brother in law would give her the 'look' and probably the finger, if he could.  How is this any different from my son being involved in a raid?

Anything can turn into an addiction and T knows this first hand.  The first 11 years of Trevor's life his father was an alcoholic, addiction is in the family.

So for all those out there who are quick to criticize a parent for allowing their child to play WoW at least I know where my son is, who he is corresponding with and not in the back seat of a vehicle at some seedy drive in.

Wives if your husbands play the game, find out more about it, maybe you can even play dress up.  That would without a doubt have them sparkling your dragon than one on a computer screen.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Keeping you up to date.

Growing up one of the greatest pieces of advice my Mother gave us was to always read the newspaper every day.  You will then always be able to start a conversation and it makes you look really smart.  So today I picked a few headlines for you to have as conversation starters for today.  I added my thoughts, you might not want to add these to your conversation unless the person you are speaking to agrees with me.

Mariah Carey may be expecting twins:

What is it with these celebrities and their over producing ovaries?  My theory is they visit a fertility specialist and ask for the double turkey baster specialty.  Probably not a vision you wanted, but a few cocktails later on today will erase the image.

Cameron Diaz showers with A-Rod:

I sincerely hope that A-Rod has disinfected his rod because that guy gets around!  This is one baseball player who is obviously enamored with his bat.

Pregnant Kim Zolciak Smokes:

I had to actually read the article as I have no clue who this bitch is.  If there is one thing I cannot tolerate is seeing a pregnant woman smoking.  This bitches kid already will be challenged enough with having Zolciak as a mother.

Gweneth Paltrow panicked at not working out:

Stop the presses!  In order to get ready for some movie role she had to gain 20lbs and felt like such a lush with all the alcohol she drank.  I haven't gained weight, I am preparing for a movie role will now be my mantra.

The youngest Kardashian sister, 13, makes her modeling debut:

I weep. 

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Divorce has its own tab.

As I was catching up on all the news this morning my eye happened to catch the new tab at the top of the page.  Next to LIVING and HEALTH there is now a DIVORCE tab.

So I clicked on it and voila it has all your celebrities going through a divorce, who is at fault, how to get alimony, more child support, the kids, the car, the house, the dog, the cat, the maid.... WAIT, STOP!!

Is this the norm now?  When I was married to the ex MFSOB (therapy worked out great) for 13 years it was for better or for worse.  I stayed for 13 years and then he moved on, with the ex best friend.  The better part of the marriage was our son T.

Going through a divorce is devastating, going through it publicly is a whole new realm that my little brain cannot even fathom.

In my next life I am going to be a divorce attorney that has a wine bar in her office and a shoe closet full of 8 inch Christian Loubountin's.  Come to think of it, I might just go back to college now and do just that! 

By the time I become an attorney I will be going through menopause.  Yup, I will be one ass kicking, wine drinking, hot flashing, got you the maid and the dog, bitch slapping attorney. 

I wonder how I can get that all to fit on my business cards.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Sunday Bitching...

My team lost yesterday to a team THEY SHOULD NOT HAVE LOST TO.  This was a home game as well.  Defense was on vacation so this week I am dragging my ass and shit kicking boots on over to practice to get everyone back on track.  Don't really know anything about the game, but will wing it as I am good at bullshitting, learned that art from a few acquaintances past and present.

If I haven't responded to a 'friend request' that was sent 2 months ago to me, chances are I don't want you on my page because growing up we had nothing in common and chances are we still don't. 

If I post a comment on a blog, receiving a response from the blogger is the norm and much appreciated.  My bitch would be that I made a comment on someone's blog and someone else commented just after me along the same lines as I did.  My comment was way funnier, trust me.  Any way, yeah I know long assed road to get to the point, the Jackass Blogger LOL'd and LMAO'ing all over the place on the 2nd comment ~ mine was not acknowledged.  Do you want to know my theory?  Commentator has a large following, Jackass Blogger likes to kiss ass to Commentator.  Me, I am nothing, I am a nobody ~ keep thinking that way Jackass Blogger, you may be surprised one day.

We are literally a two minute walk from campus.  Our home has the parking area in front.  Either our driveway is blocked or they are parked over the yellow line or they are just pissing me off with their parking from this, where you could fit a smart car in perfectly, extreme... 

To this...

Trying to book tickets on the Eurostar from London to Paris should not be such a mission.  I have no clue where from and to where and times.  I do know that I want first class and there is no negotiating.  Currently selling an ovary, any takers? 

This website, Texts from last night, can either make you weep for our future generation or have you make sure the wine cellar is well stocked. 

My cellar is full.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Thursday, November 4, 2010

My heart.

Many people ask what South Africa is like and this video pretty much encompasses it all.  While America may be my home now, South Africa will always have my heart.

South Africa

Monday, November 1, 2010

I've got it covered

With regards to the upcoming elections, I don't care who wins, I am well stocked for the next 2 years.

Bring it on bitches!

Saturday, October 30, 2010

You voted what?

Conversation overheard:

"I am not voting Democrat or Republican in the next election.  I am voting for the Tea Party*, we need a third party in this country."

Oy vey!

* For my International blog readers, the Tea Party candidates are running on a Republican ticket.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

I'll have a plate of worms with a side of crow please.

My life just sucks.  I don't have a job.  I have applied for many jobs and have received a few "at this time..." bull shit and mostly no response at all which really, really irks me.

I finally figured out why I do not have a job.  It is because I am an immigrant from South Africa who is over weight, has an accent, speaks a second language, is right handed, wears glasses, lives in a tree-hugging state, only has one child and drops the f-bomb quite a bit.  So hand me my plate of worms and leave me alone to wallow in my own self pity.

Hey, what is that I see in the distance coming closer at one hell of a rate ready to slap me upside the head.... wha... would that be common sense I see approaching?  No, surely not.  What is that you say Common Sense, that maybe someone more qualified got the job, that the lady who wanted to pay $5.00 an hour to watch her pug and insist you have a college degree is not worth it; the idiot who stipulated that you had to have been born and raised in this city to even consider applying is violating some major labor laws and probably someone you would not want to work for?  Don't you just hate it when Common Sense knocks down your door with her 8 inch Louboutins (yes Common Sense has awesome fashion sense) yelling for you to get up off your ass and start counting your blessings Missy!

I have been thinking about this blog post for a while now as I have seen the beating of the chest and the banging of the drums and the groups all screaming "you hate me because I am.... (fill in the blank)" and then breaking into their little worm eating groups.  Damn are we just an egotistical, narcissistic bunch of whiners or what!

Enter my friend, The Rabbit.  Seriously this is one very smart guy and one willing to be interviewed for my blog that I couldn't find the words to string together to write.  There are many people who define who they are by various titles and I asked Rabbit the following:

There are many that define themselves as being a minority, you are gay, do you?

Personally I don't.  Gay is not WHO I am it is a part of what I am, like left-handed and red headed.  It does not define me as a person.  Who I am attracted to is by no means a definition of who I am - and I would hate to meet a person in which it is, that's pretty fucking shallow. (Rabbit says fuck a lot, it is like a comma in a sentence, just needed to disclose that)

So why then are there so many victims of gender, race, creed etc that say nothing is going to change?

Because they like to play the victim, they enjoy being a false martyr and receiving the pity, plus, if they are a victim it takes away the responsibility of doing something to change it.  They are wounded, they are too weak to cause a change, you should do it for them, where as I am more of the fuck that, give me a brick mentality.

So how come you get it?

I just don't like waiting on people to get off their ass and do something for my benefit.  If I want the change - if I want the benefit- by golly I am gonna put on my combat boots and stomp some ass to make it happen, sitting around and saying everyone hates me accomplishes nothing.  Go eat some worms and really that just makes people, like the straight community, hate you more.  I don't do apathy very well, can you tell?

So while I may not have a job I have an incredible husband who is not only going to school full time, but works 20 hours a week AND volunteers at the wildlife refuge and never once has put pressure on me about finding a job.  I have a roof over my head, I have food on the table, I have Rabbit to kick my ass when I wallow, I have great friends and an incredible family that live on entirely different continents, I have a healthy 18year old son who is currently experiencing the trip of a lifetime, I have my health and most of all, I have my wine. 

I am ready for my crow now. 

Thursday, October 21, 2010

I finally get it.

This whole kerfuffle and what not with Bill O'Reilly and his ignorance about Muslims, I finally understand why many believe him.

I have been asked this question more than once while living in America.

"So, do they also serve turkey at Thanksgiving in South Africa."

The End.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

I love quizzes

Rabbit from The Long Journey posted this today.  Please go to his blog to participate, that is if you have a blog dumb ass.  Anyway here is the history of where this came from.  (Love cut and paste)
These are taken from Inside the Actor’s Studio with James Lipton, which he poses to each of his guests at the end of an interview. Lipton always gives credit for this list to French talk show host Bernard Pivot, who hosted Apostrophes from 1975–1990 and Bouillon de Culture from 1990–2001; he often mentions that the list originally came from French novelist Marcel Proust (1871–1922). Proust did not actually create the questionnaire that frequently has his name attached, though he did famously answer two versions of it (once at age 13, and a second time at age 20), and thereby gave the lists a certain notoriety. Their original author is unknown.

Here they are:
What is your favorite word?
Wine - I don't think I would have been a great spy in WW2, just waving a wine gum wrapper would have had me salivating and spilling the beans.

What is your least favorite word?
Cooler - as in Wine Cooler, I mean seriously who ever came up with that concept needs to be put into a vat and rolled around a couple of times.

What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
Intellectual conversation.

What turns you off?

What is your favorite curse word?
Kiss my ass ~ okay I know it is not one word, but it would be the ones I use the most.

What sound or noise do your love?
My husband and son laughing ~ yes I know cheesy, but it is true.

What sound or noise do you hate?
Sarah Palin's voice 

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
Being a flight attendant ~ but that would involve losing serious weight, my hips and ass would get stuck in the aisles and then people couldn't get their drink and then people would start to get cranky and then I would have to bitch slap them after I lubed up the hips and ass with Crisco.

What profession would you not like to do?
Working a concession stand at a football game.

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
Yeah so about those hips and your ass, my bad.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Thank you Rabbit

Just a quick thank you to Rabbit at Magic Gumbo Graphics for my beautiful Nubian header.  Rabbit also created my new blog, Discover Corvallis, soon to be launched.

You can also find Rabbit at The Long Journey to the Middle.

Ta very much Rabbit.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

What she wrote. What I read.

My husband and I were at an antique store and I found a postcard that was mailed 18 June 1918 from the Strand Palace Hotel in London.  I am kicking and bitch slapping myself now for not having scanned the postcard, but there are times when I can't always be perfect.

We bought the postcard and I decided to mail it to the General Manager of the Hotel.  I thought it was the coolest thing eva'!!

On Monday I received this email:

Dear Mr and Mrs Nubian,

Thank you very much for your letter dated the 18th September 2010. It was a pleasure to see this past picture of The Writing Room at the Strand Palace Hotel from the year 1918.

As you can imagine, over the years the hotel has received a lot of memorabilia regarding its history, but it is always a delight to receive new pictures and postcards.
The hotel has undergone a lot of changes since it was first opened. Currently we are completing a great refurbishment of our bedrooms, starting on the last floor of the 9 floors this coming Friday, 1st October. Once completed, the refurbishment will put a modern twist on this mature established building.

Kind regards,

Personal Assistant to the General Manager
Strand Palace Hotel

This is what I read:

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Nubian:

Bloody hell not another piece of memorabilia bollocks.  We are constantly getting this rubbish and now have a basement full of this shit.  We are trying to change our image and we are now modern, get it, we are going modern. 

Thank you,

Ms.Assistant to the General Manager as he is too bloody busy to respond personally.

or maybe it is because I received this as well:

Dear Mrs. Nubian:

Thank you for submitting the application for the job of chief bottle washer and dog walker and poop picker upper.  We received an overwhelming response and at this time you are not invited to be a part of the interview pool.

Thank you

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Nails on a chalkboard

I have a list of things that really, really irk me and I refer to as my nails on a chalkboard syndrome.  The topic today would be in my top five.

I love Champagne.  In the wise words of Napoleon Bonapart "A person deserves Champagne after a victory, but after a loss, needs it."

I love Champagne, REAL Champagne, the one that comes from the Region of Champagne in France and has been created in the traditional M├ęthode Champenoise.  After a while the Champagne bottles are put into racks where they are lovingly turned a fraction at a time.  It is an art and a talent and foreplay to me would be showing me your hands as you perform the twist method.

In South Africa we always referred to "Champagne" as Sparkling wine as per the EU it can only have the title of Champagne if it comes from the Region of Champagne in France (feel I need to constantly point this out, are you still with me on this one).
When someone mentions that they don't like Champagne I ask them what did they have expecting them to say they had this:

to which I would feign horror as this is Champagne, the only one for me.  Your first sip of this heavenly nectar fills your mouth with bubbles,  the bubbles then gently pop/burst on your tongue and the liquid evaporates quickly as the dryness, oh the dryness...

But NO, they say they had this:

Nails on a chalkboard.  I think people just say this shit to mess with me.  You may have heard about how certain things get me going that you can virtually see the hairs raise on the back of my neck and my face tighten as though I just completed an intense series of Botox shots.  I should start charging for that party trick. I have been into wine stores that refer to Sparkling Wine as Champagne and out of the corner of my eye I can just see my husband tense up and put his head down slightly and cringing waiting for the bitch slap to be delivered.  That would be known as the "lighting of the firecracker syndrome."  This is not Champagne, it is Sparkling Wine, actually it is box wine with bubbles added as an after thought. 

Now this Sparkling Wine deserves to be in the Champagne category, but it cannot be as... now let us all say it together, it is not from the Region of Champagne in France.  Good students!  Now where was I, oh yes you can buy this Sparkling Wine online through Southern Hemisphere Wines and for $10.00 a bottle, you are, without a doubt, getting a deal!

It is from South Africa, the Franschoek Valley to be exact.  The reason why this has such a special place in my heart is that I was privileged enough to receive one of the very first bottles as a gift from Mr. Achim von Arnim when I worked at the Swiss Farm Excelsior AND for me, it is the closest to Veuve Cliquot.

So now you know about just one of the many, many things that piss me off.  I think I should start blogging about those, it would give me some great writing material for a while.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010


The other day I saw a young girl with tiny feet and my first thought was that her mother had probably bound them when she was younger. 

Then I had a revelation, if my mother had bound my hips and ass I wouldn't be sitting with the bountiful booty.

Is it no wonder the first question out of a therapist's mouth is "Now tell me about the relationship you had with your Mother."

Monday, September 20, 2010

Going back to bed

I have just finished reading an article on Lizzie Miller.  She is considered a Plus-size model.

This is Lizzie Miller.

I am going back to bed.

Please wake me up when the bitch has gained 100lbs.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Parenting today is just too easy

When T was in the cute-I-love-my-Mommy-my-Mommy-rocks phase of his life, I would sit down with him and teach him how to tie his shoe laces.  One bunny ear, another bunny ear... you know how it goes.  Then the whole zipper, button, press stud etc training. 

Yesterday I was at Borders bookstore and came across this.

Parenting today is just WAY too easy.  Think about it, give the child the monkey and have them figure it out thus giving the parent more time for wine. 

I think I need to write a book.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Say what??

I read the Huffington Post blog every day because I enjoy reading the condensed version of the news.   If something peaks my interest I will search the Internet for more information. 

Every single time I scroll down there is something about Kim Kardashian.  I still do not know why this woman is news, my ass is bigger than hers and you don't see me in the papers now do you!

This week she is bitchin' that the pictures, that she took for Playboy a few years ago, are being published and she is so angry.  She never wanted to do them in the first place, but her Mom told her to.  Sidebar:  Advice from my Mom was to make sure I had clean knickers on when I left the house.  Just saying!

She is upset about Playboy posting pictures of her naked when she constantly tweets pictures like this?!
Sweetie, you have some serious issues. 

So after I read this and got down on my knees and lit a few candles and prayed that her 15 minutes be up real soon, I glanced over to my screen and saw this...

The bitch has two younger sisters and by the looks of things are already on the red carpet scene.  Kendall and Kylie ages 13 and 14.

Please forward your favorite cocktail recipes to me, I think I need to be drunk for a long time.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Conversations with my husband

Me:  Honey, while you are on the internet could you please find out what I need to do in order to join Weight Watchers?

husband starts to type on computer then excitedly exclaims...

Hey Nubian, I just found the coolest website on whale tracking.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

You're kidding, right?

I have worked in the hospitality industry since 1985.  It truly takes a unique group of individuals to tolerate the constant abuse of the public, the long hours and the low wages.  But, there is nothing that can replace the funny, stupid, insane requests or comments and complaints we receive.  Here are a few things I would have loved to have said to a guest, but had to bite my tongue many times.

~ Ah yes, we would love to move that beam for you during your function, but unfortunately that happens to be a support beam, you do know what that is right?  It would be the same support your SPANX is currently giving you.

~ Releasing 60 doves after the ceremony is a wonderful idea, OUTDOORS, not inside the ballroom.  Yes, I know we have french doors leading to the patio, but I don't think the doves follow directions all that well.

~ We spent all night rearranging your room set up for 500 people for the 6th time and you completed the survey that our service was fair.  Were we not sweating enough for you?  The black rings under our eyes were not an indication that we were up all night?  Oh and the next time you ask for another change, we will charge you the $250.00 per hour, it is in your contract, we were just being fair the first time around.

~ I know you got a great deal on your room through Expedia or Priceline or ~ but did you not read the fine print?  Smoking room is what you get because we can't sell those rooms and therefore put them on aforementioned sites at low rates, hence the deal... would you like me to repeat myself?

~ I don't care what the Concierge told you, my front desk staff are not included in the room rate for the Japanese shipping crew.

~ Yelling at me at the front desk because your room was not ready at 10:00am (check in time is 3:00pm) is not going to make housekeeping move any faster.  Oh and screaming that the owner is a personal friend will only guarantee that I will pick up the phone and call him and he can deal with your inconsiderate ass.

~ Sir, it took housekeeping four hours to clean your room.  Removing the duct tape, swing set (how you manage to get it attached in the shower is still a mystery to us) and oil hand print stains from the ceiling took quite a bit of time, hence the large charge on your bill.  Blaming it on our housekeeping staff is not going to work.  I seriously doubt they had time to throw one hell of a kink-fest in the room in between cleaning 209 other sleeping rooms.

~ Okay, we have seen it all.  Total cliche.  There is not ONE person who has worked in Room Service that hasn't had the door opened by a naked male/female.  Seriously dude this is getting old.  So sorry to disappoint you if we don't drop the tray and go running down the hallway screaming, we have seen it all before and we actually do have a rating system chart in our room service department.  You would be a 1, now where would you like me to place your tray?

~ Sure Mr. Douche, I totally understand why you need a room close to the EXIT door for you and your secretary to catch up on the weeks activities at work.  I totally understand that you need to be able to focus and what with all those interruptions at the office, I get it.  Now when I see you at the next Republican function with your wife, would you like to me to ask you how much work you and Miss Sluts have accomplished with this new system?

~ Excuse me, Mr. Asshole (as he walks across the lobby with girlfriend), your wife called and asked me to tell you that she kept the kids up as late as possible so that they could say goodnight, but it is a school night and hopefully they will get to speak with you in the morning.

Now this last one would be my all time favorite.  It was sent to me by a friend.  It was an actual complaint sent to the Hotel's Corporate office.  I won't go into the whole complaint, but this would have been my response.  The rest is up to your imagination.

~ Sir, I think you may have way bigger issues than the level of the water in your hotel room toilet.  Did you really have to go into detail about how you have to 'rinse off' your testicles when you are done going number two? (seriously the guest used the phrase "going number two"). Oh and thanks for letting us know in the same email that our hard boiled eggs at breakfast were not up to your standard.  (You have a standard at this point??)

And there you have it, I am sure that my fellow hoteliers can add to the list.  You too can have this much fun at $8.00 an hour!!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

I want to be Miss. Marple when I grow up.

Growing up I loved reading the "Famous Five" and "The Secret Seven" mysteries by Enid Blyton.  I always wished that I lived in England and went on sleuthing trips with these incredibly independent kids.  Reading these books led me to my great love of murder mysteries. 

I love a good murder mystery.  There is no better mystery writer than Agatha Christie and I think I would make an excellent Miss. Marple when I grow up.  Margaret Rutherford was the original Miss. Marple and I think I bear a close resemblance, especially in this picture because she is about to bitch slap the hell out of someone. 

I have the urge to yell, "She did it in the conservatory with the candlestick while eating mustard" or killing Mr. Mustard, I forget.

I want to be the new Miss. Marple, the one that exposes the cheating spouse, the lying blogger and politicians.

Why you may ask? 

Easy, it shouldn't be a mystery at all.

Monday, August 23, 2010

The reason I don't exercise.

In the 80's my sister and I were Jane Fonda exercise groupies.  Every day we would religiously put on the footless tights, leg warmers, reebok shoes, leotard (with the belt) and mandatory head and wrist bands.

We would clear out our spot in front of the TV and get ready to feel the burn.  We would warm up, then jump, lunge and do the borderline pornographic hip thrusts.

We would lose inches and tone, but never could get the Jane look.

Fast forward to present day.  I received a phone call from my sister and this is how it went.

Wise Sister:   Do you remember how frustrated we would get when doing the Jane Fonda workout?

Me:  Yup, we felt the burn, but still had the buns.

Wise Sister:  Well I just read an article and guess what, the BITCH was bulimic!!

And there you have it, that is the reason I do not exercise.

Monday, August 16, 2010

They said what?!?

Why is it that when a person has experienced a traumatic event in their life people decide to say the most stupid things.

When my father was murdered I was told by one person at my father's funeral,  that his death was God's will.  Really, God was okay with this?  I know I tried to move my hand to give the very well deserved bitch slap, but the Valium and Whiskey had kicked in and my dearest cousin from Australia guided me away from this person, they should send him a gift.

This rant is not about the things people said to me, but by what people are saying to a Mom as she tries to understand the senseless death of her son.

Today she posted on her blog that the investigation is moving along and that she hoped that no one thought she had given up.  She was respecting the space of the detectives so that they could find who had beaten her 18 year old son.

Quick side note:  Her son was addicted to Heroin, BUT it gave no one the right to take his life.

One person posted the following:

"Most kids addicted to drugs, banned from family, without any other support end up selling themselves and drugs to sustain themselves."

Seriously!!!!!!  And this makes this Mom feel better how??? 

This was the next comment:

"Given the complexity of the injury, it seems very unlikely that the damage caused by physical battery can ever be separated from damage caused by substance use. Even a civil suit would be an extreme long shot, and your investment (both financial and emotional) would be at a tremendous price. You need to think of all members of your family when you make this decision."

Oh I see, so because he was addicted to drugs he deserved to be beaten so violently that it resulted in his death a month later?  So help me understand,  people who are addicted to drugs/porn/alcohol/gambling/cigarettes are not worthy of justice?

I wonder what another word for pious would be?  I have a few choice words running through my brain, but will leave that up to your imagination as to what they would be. 

There is a time and a place for reality, just not this time.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Serene Sunday

Today my husband and I decided to tour four wineries.  These were chosen at random.  The great thing about our Serene Sunday's is that we are discovering places to take our friends/family that is when they finally decide to visit us! 

Our first stop was Eola Hills Winery.  This place was bustling.  They do Sunday Brunch, but you have to make reservations so we plan on doing that for another Serene Sunday.  All I could think of was how my friend in Colorado would love the biking theme and how the girls would love to sit outside having brunch, drinking wine and catching up.  They also have a great gift shop!

Our next stop was Firesteed winery.  I am not fond of Rose wine, but fell in love with theirs.  We were also shown the new Riedel wine glasses especially made for Oregon Pinot Noir.  (Click on Riedel and learn why these are the only wine glasses to have in your collection.)

The new Oregon Pinot Noir Riedel wine glasses.

Stop Number 3 was Johan Vineyards.  Their Pinot Noir is my all time favorite.  I must remember for future wine trips that the third winery is where hubby stops looking at the cost of the wine.  He only realized later that one bottle of Pinot was $47.00 (converting for my international friends ZAR439.00 ~ AUD67 or GBP38)

Our final stop was Left Coast Winery and we were very thankful that they served lunch.  Wine tasting was starting to kick my ass.


Hope your Sunday was just as serene.