Monday, November 29, 2010

Keeping you up to date.

Growing up one of the greatest pieces of advice my Mother gave us was to always read the newspaper every day.  You will then always be able to start a conversation and it makes you look really smart.  So today I picked a few headlines for you to have as conversation starters for today.  I added my thoughts, you might not want to add these to your conversation unless the person you are speaking to agrees with me.

Mariah Carey may be expecting twins:

What is it with these celebrities and their over producing ovaries?  My theory is they visit a fertility specialist and ask for the double turkey baster specialty.  Probably not a vision you wanted, but a few cocktails later on today will erase the image.

Cameron Diaz showers with A-Rod:

I sincerely hope that A-Rod has disinfected his rod because that guy gets around!  This is one baseball player who is obviously enamored with his bat.

Pregnant Kim Zolciak Smokes:

I had to actually read the article as I have no clue who this bitch is.  If there is one thing I cannot tolerate is seeing a pregnant woman smoking.  This bitches kid already will be challenged enough with having Zolciak as a mother.

Gweneth Paltrow panicked at not working out:

Stop the presses!  In order to get ready for some movie role she had to gain 20lbs and felt like such a lush with all the alcohol she drank.  I haven't gained weight, I am preparing for a movie role will now be my mantra.

The youngest Kardashian sister, 13, makes her modeling debut:

I weep. 

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Divorce has its own tab.

As I was catching up on all the news this morning my eye happened to catch the new tab at the top of the page.  Next to LIVING and HEALTH there is now a DIVORCE tab.

So I clicked on it and voila it has all your celebrities going through a divorce, who is at fault, how to get alimony, more child support, the kids, the car, the house, the dog, the cat, the maid.... WAIT, STOP!!

Is this the norm now?  When I was married to the ex MFSOB (therapy worked out great) for 13 years it was for better or for worse.  I stayed for 13 years and then he moved on, with the ex best friend.  The better part of the marriage was our son T.

Going through a divorce is devastating, going through it publicly is a whole new realm that my little brain cannot even fathom.

In my next life I am going to be a divorce attorney that has a wine bar in her office and a shoe closet full of 8 inch Christian Loubountin's.  Come to think of it, I might just go back to college now and do just that! 

By the time I become an attorney I will be going through menopause.  Yup, I will be one ass kicking, wine drinking, hot flashing, got you the maid and the dog, bitch slapping attorney. 

I wonder how I can get that all to fit on my business cards.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Sunday Bitching...

My team lost yesterday to a team THEY SHOULD NOT HAVE LOST TO.  This was a home game as well.  Defense was on vacation so this week I am dragging my ass and shit kicking boots on over to practice to get everyone back on track.  Don't really know anything about the game, but will wing it as I am good at bullshitting, learned that art from a few acquaintances past and present.

If I haven't responded to a 'friend request' that was sent 2 months ago to me, chances are I don't want you on my page because growing up we had nothing in common and chances are we still don't. 

If I post a comment on a blog, receiving a response from the blogger is the norm and much appreciated.  My bitch would be that I made a comment on someone's blog and someone else commented just after me along the same lines as I did.  My comment was way funnier, trust me.  Any way, yeah I know long assed road to get to the point, the Jackass Blogger LOL'd and LMAO'ing all over the place on the 2nd comment ~ mine was not acknowledged.  Do you want to know my theory?  Commentator has a large following, Jackass Blogger likes to kiss ass to Commentator.  Me, I am nothing, I am a nobody ~ keep thinking that way Jackass Blogger, you may be surprised one day.

We are literally a two minute walk from campus.  Our home has the parking area in front.  Either our driveway is blocked or they are parked over the yellow line or they are just pissing me off with their parking from this, where you could fit a smart car in perfectly, extreme... 

To this...

Trying to book tickets on the Eurostar from London to Paris should not be such a mission.  I have no clue where from and to where and times.  I do know that I want first class and there is no negotiating.  Currently selling an ovary, any takers? 

This website, Texts from last night, can either make you weep for our future generation or have you make sure the wine cellar is well stocked. 

My cellar is full.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Thursday, November 4, 2010

My heart.

Many people ask what South Africa is like and this video pretty much encompasses it all.  While America may be my home now, South Africa will always have my heart.

South Africa

Monday, November 1, 2010

I've got it covered

With regards to the upcoming elections, I don't care who wins, I am well stocked for the next 2 years.

Bring it on bitches!