Wednesday, April 28, 2010

The Secret

My friend and I were discussing "The Secret" today.  It is a book about positive thinking about putting good energy out there .  If you want something, you put it out to the universe and then you wait.

We both agreed that our version is so much better.

If you want something that someone has, just bitch slap them until you get it.

Yes it is good energy, have you ever bitch slapped someone, you end up feeling really, really good .

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Dear Karma

Dear Karma,
I noticed that recently you have been very busy and was wondering if perhaps you have your finger stuck on the 'what goes around, comes around'  button.  I totally get it.  I know I have made a few enemies in my past, but seriously they deserved it, so I don't think I should be punished for that one. 

You do agree with me on the Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck Idiot bus, right?  So there again no karma should be dished out.   Is it the bitch slapping thing?  I don't actually do it, just blog about it so that really should not count. If it is me looking at the 'People of Wal-Mart' website, I promise to stop (unless my friends email me some hilarious pictures then that shouldn't count either). 

Could it be when I viewed other blogs and saw pictures of the friggin' perfect families and I made stabbing gestures at the screen, I didn't mean it literally.  You have to admit, you would have thrown up with the sugar overload at the perfect husband and kids postings.  If it is none of the above don't you think that being married to the ex for 13 years was enough?  WTF you had to have been sitting on the button during that time.

I really would like you to move along, there are so many people more deserving of your finger.  If you are in need of names, I do have a list.


Sunday, April 25, 2010

Graduation Invites

I am in the process of stuffing envelopes with graduation announcements and photos, wax sealing the envelopes, inserting into another envelope, sealing that one with glue and addressing said envelopes.

I am doing this while drinking a large glass of white wine with a back up bottle chilling in the waste basket full of ice.  The envelopes are being addressed alphabetically.

The postperson is going to have a hell of a time deciphering addresses after the letter G.  That is when the wine started kicking in and I started to get creative with my writing.

So if anyone happens to see your invite with the squirly, over the top cursive and comments on how creative this Mom was, just keep it to yourself that this Mom was on her way to being comfortably numb.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Conversations with T

T:  Mom, now that I am 18 I can pretty much do whatever I want.

Me: Really?

T:  I don't have to take anyone's crap, okay maybe just yours.

Me:  Thank you

T:  and if I want to, I can walk out the front door any time and not come back.

Me:  Yes you can, but when you do walk out the front door make sure you are dressed the same way you were when you came into this world, naked!

T:  Being 18 sucks!

(Another day of perfect parenting complete)

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Newspaper Headlines

French soccer star reportedly admits to child prostitute sex.
This year at the World Cup there will be two extra balls.  These will have previously belonged to Frank Ribery.  He is now singing soprano at the Paris Opera House.

Abortion Doctor's killer complains of treatment in prison.
I am so sorry, did you think you were supposed to go to Club Med?  I am sure the family who lost their father/husband/brother totally sympathize with you and your whining.  If you think it is bad now, wait till Bubba gets his grubby digits on you.

Jon Bon Jovi shirtless in Miami.
This is news?

Sandra Bullock without wedding ring, smiling.
It is at times like this I am grateful that I am not anyone famous, the poor woman has been dragged through a bush backwards and to stalk her with high power lenses just to see whether she is wearing a ring or not is pathetic.  Don't know who is more pathetic, the paparazzi or the people that buy this crap.  Hubby, if I am not wearing my wedding ring it doesn't mean anything, it just means I had way too many Tequila shots the night before and my hands are swollen from all the salt, okay? 

'Octomom' on Oprah ~ 'I am like a Carnival Attraction'
Yeah if you mean that you are at a Gynecologist Convention that has attraction booths, then yes you are - assume the position bitch!

Oksana Griegoriva describes sudden recent split with Mel Gibson.
I think that Paris Hilton keeps her panties on longer than this relationship lasted and we all know dear Paris.

Sarah Palin:
I have so many headlines to choose from and am so torn as they are all so great!  So I will have to think about which one deserves my Louboutin Shoe Stamp of Approval.  I do have this to say, if another woman tells me that 'She is one of us', my response will be 'The only thing we share in common is boobs, a va-jay-jay and a uterus'.  I wonder what the reaction would be?

Monday, April 19, 2010

Car Conversations

Me:  T, you know those days that you think I suck as a Mom?  Well your father confirmed it today.  I have not taught you one of life's important skill ~ driving.  Maybe your father could do a better job of teaching you life skills.

T:  (replies with dripping sarcasm) Yeah, like adultery and alcoholism?

(Yes, it is possible to drive and kiss your teenage boy on the head at the same time)

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Citizenship process

For my citizenship test and interview I have to take the following documentation:

  • My Green Card
  • Government issued ID
  • Passport and travel documents (expired and current) 
  • Divorce Decree - certified
  • Marriage License - certified
  • Proof of my husbands citizenship ~ birth certificate (certified) ~ passport
  • IRS Form 1722 showing proof that I paid taxes for the past 5 years
  • Certified copy of my son's birth certificate and his passport
My friend's husband had to bring the following to his interview and test:
  • Green Card

Saturday, April 17, 2010

The lump and the mammo.

On Friday I had an appointment with my Doctor as the week before I discovered in lump in my right breast.  My Doctor was a "titch" concerned and that is when the ball started rolling.  You see my Doctor is the Chief Medical Officer for the hospital.  (My younger sister commented that she wouldn't have expected anything less of me.) 

My Doctor pulled the CMO card and I was taken to Mammography where the nurse was waiting and took me to complete my paperwork.  I called my husband, who lives out of state and was just a little weepy.  (weepy=blubbering)  This is not something I wanted to do on my own.

Having a more in depth mammo I learned the following:

1.  I can have my right boob flattened, twisted to a 45∘angle, suck in my stomach, raise my right arm with the corner of the table digging into my arm pit, lift my chin and hold my breath.  I can actually do this at any angle so watch out hubby I have some new moves the next time we are together!

2.  I have now been up close and personal with a Million Dollar Machine.

3.  Radiologists don't have much of a sense of humor ~ or maybe it was my ramblings because of my nervousness that all she heard was "blah, blah, blah".

After I was pulled, stretched and squished it was off to have my ultra sound.  As I was sitting in the special waiting room I got weepy again and wished that I wasn't going through this alone.

Having an ultra sound on a boob that has been manipulated like a piece of taffy, ends up to be a little painful.  At the end of it all the Doctor told me that the lump was a fatty mass and I was okay.  (seems as though I am destined for fatty mass ~ boobs and ass!) 

I called my husband with the good news and told him, I think for the 10th time, that I didn't want to do this alone ever again.

As I was driving home feeling sorry for myself  I remembered that 4 years ago my Mother went to the Doctor after discovering a lump, had the mammogram and within the next two weeks a mastectomy. 

My Mother did this alone.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Finding the perfect bra

Legend has it that Napoleon was so in love with Josephine's breasts that the Champagne Saucer was created after a mold was made of them.  My legend would be the Champagne flute!

I know that the men reading my blog cannot relate to the frustration of having to find that 'Perfect Bra' ~ your dilemma would be, boxers or briefs!  To find the perfect bra is similar to the quest in finding the Holy Grail.  There are women who talk about the hopes of one day being the first to discover it, but alas have yet to find it.

When Oprah (yes I know a momentary lapse in judgment of watching her show) raved about the Olga bra, I promptly drove like a mad woman (okay, okay you can quit snickering those who have driven with me) to the specialty bra store to find the Holy Grail.  I was handed the bra and given instructions on how to 'fill the cup' by bending over.  On standing up I discovered that my boobs were now the perfect chin rest.  Lesson #1 ~ it is best to give the sales associate the correct bra size up front, this will save a lot of unnecessary fittings.  It is not equivalent to shaving off 20lbs on your drivers license, it is not as if there is a weight requirement to sit in the drivers seat. 

After a few unsuccessful fittings the sales associate suggested we measure the twin peaks (or ski slopes in my case).  Poor girl I will give her 10 points for trying to be discreet as she taped two measuring tapes together.  For a moment there I thought she was going to measure my ass as we are talking some serious DD's in that department.

Another 10 points to her for attempting to hide her surprise at the outcome of the measurements.  So back to the Olga bra, I held out my hands eagerly awaiting the Holy Grail, did the required bending and filling of the cup and stood up slowly.  Oprah lied.  The slopes/flutes were not cooperating.  It didn't matter that I bent over a few more times, did some little jumps to make sure they were secure, but on standing up gravity still managed to win.  Yes they did fill the cup, but only the bottom half, the top half was gone, sunken in like a cake you remove from the oven too soon.  The cute Sales Associate did suggest these padded inserts that push and lift, we tried those, outcome... chin rests.  On removing the bra that Oprah lied about, I think I am the first woman in history that managed to wind herself on the releasing of the hounds.

I hear there is now a caution sign in the dressing rooms which reads "Please remove your bra slowly".

Thursday, April 8, 2010


When I decided to blog it was purely to put my thoughts down on 'paper' and to entertain friends and family.  The intention of my blog was never to compete with anyone or take away followers from another blogger's blog. (My English teacher is cringing I can just feel it).

I follow a few blogs, some are not listed on my favorites, and I envy the way some people have a way with words.  Have you ever read something so funny that you just envy that person for their upbeat, funny way they look at things?  Me, I just want to bitch slap everybody.

A few weeks ago I emailed a blogger.  I figured that since this blogger has quite the following (over 200 followers) that they would be able to answer a question I was having concerning a hiccup on blogspot.  I have never heard from them.  Okay, so this blogger may be very busy, but don't you think that after three emails asking for help/advice you would just either tell me to shut up, fug off, or guide me to a help site?

I am quickly learning that blogging has become very territorial.  You can actually make money from writing down random thoughts and based on your number of followers, the money can be quite pleasing. Christian Louboutin shoes in the closet pleasing!

I have 12 followers, Jesus had 12 disciples...  I don't need hundreds of followers, just my friends/family who get a kick out of what I have to rant about.  You know that when the post hits their email they can't wait to read what the bitch has to say.

But personally I think it is to see if they are not the subject of my rant for the day.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010


For the past few years I have worked on many conferences and symposiums and am amazed at how many people do not RSVP for socials and dinners.  I constantly have to call people on the deadline day to see if they will be attending the event.

I have put it down to the fact that RSVP is a French acronym for 'respondez s'il vous plait' and given the love/hate relationship America has with France, I should probably change my wording.

I am shocked that when I do receive a phone call, I am asked (many times) "Who is going to be there?"  Really?  So depending on who has been invited will determine whether you will grace us with your presence?

It is with these people that I put a little star next to their name and on the day of the event hand write their name badge - yes a handwritten name badge goes right up there with the saying "with all due respect".  You know you have been totally disrespected, but cannot do anything about it at the time. And yes a few have gone to the Committee Chair to vent about that rude foreigner, but they know that by me giving out a handwritten name badge, they seriously got off lightly.

I have many more "fingers to a chalkboard" dislikes, but will save those for another blog.  I will send out an invite, hopefully you will be kind enough to respond.