Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Finding the perfect bra

Legend has it that Napoleon was so in love with Josephine's breasts that the Champagne Saucer was created after a mold was made of them.  My legend would be the Champagne flute!

I know that the men reading my blog cannot relate to the frustration of having to find that 'Perfect Bra' ~ your dilemma would be, boxers or briefs!  To find the perfect bra is similar to the quest in finding the Holy Grail.  There are women who talk about the hopes of one day being the first to discover it, but alas have yet to find it.

When Oprah (yes I know a momentary lapse in judgment of watching her show) raved about the Olga bra, I promptly drove like a mad woman (okay, okay you can quit snickering those who have driven with me) to the specialty bra store to find the Holy Grail.  I was handed the bra and given instructions on how to 'fill the cup' by bending over.  On standing up I discovered that my boobs were now the perfect chin rest.  Lesson #1 ~ it is best to give the sales associate the correct bra size up front, this will save a lot of unnecessary fittings.  It is not equivalent to shaving off 20lbs on your drivers license, it is not as if there is a weight requirement to sit in the drivers seat. 

After a few unsuccessful fittings the sales associate suggested we measure the twin peaks (or ski slopes in my case).  Poor girl I will give her 10 points for trying to be discreet as she taped two measuring tapes together.  For a moment there I thought she was going to measure my ass as we are talking some serious DD's in that department.

Another 10 points to her for attempting to hide her surprise at the outcome of the measurements.  So back to the Olga bra, I held out my hands eagerly awaiting the Holy Grail, did the required bending and filling of the cup and stood up slowly.  Oprah lied.  The slopes/flutes were not cooperating.  It didn't matter that I bent over a few more times, did some little jumps to make sure they were secure, but on standing up gravity still managed to win.  Yes they did fill the cup, but only the bottom half, the top half was gone, sunken in like a cake you remove from the oven too soon.  The cute Sales Associate did suggest these padded inserts that push and lift, we tried those, outcome... chin rests.  On removing the bra that Oprah lied about, I think I am the first woman in history that managed to wind herself on the releasing of the hounds.

I hear there is now a caution sign in the dressing rooms which reads "Please remove your bra slowly".


  1. Bra-vissimo! Very funny, my friend! I can soooo relate to this.

  2. VERY FUNNY and SO VERY TRUE! See, I have the exact opposite problem. I have been told that if I put my right hand in, take my right hand out, do the hokey pokey, and shake them all about, that I might be able to find the AA (and no, not alcholics anonymous although they do lead me to drink).
    So at the door, where it reads "Please remove your bra slowly" to those of us with silver dollar pancakes, it means 'careful or they might get lost or stuck in the small water push up flap equaling the other meamning and new result to "if I buy this bra, I am going to get screwed".

  3. Girl, girl, girl, there is no such animal as the perfect bra. I'm not a small busted woman, but either bras push me flat, or cut off my air supply, or my boobs fall down beneath the bra, or up over the top of the bra. I have yet to find even one that isn't uncomfortable and miserable wearing it. My favorite time of the day is when I can take the damn thing off and let them flop!

  4. @Linda ~ you make me laugh every time. So glad to have found you. Now we must do a blog meet up dinner soon!!

  5. Holy shiz-nit! I'm not sure if I want to laugh, cry, or send you flowers! That was friggin' AWESOME! (And sadly, WAY too true!

  6. Wow. I think I know how you feel (sorta) because (coincidence), I just wrote about wearing a wet-suit. Okay maybe not. #thanksforthelaughthough #mywifethanksyoutoo

  7. I've tried the Olga bra, despise it! Too stiff! My favorite, short of NOT wearing one, is Gilligan & O'Malley, but theyre hard to find. Next up would be Lilly of France or Vanity Fair. Altho it's hard to find a 42D. I usually settle for a 40D and bra extenders.


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