You're kidding, right?

I have worked in the hospitality industry since 1985.  It truly takes a unique group of individuals to tolerate the constant abuse of the public, the long hours and the low wages.  But, there is nothing that can replace the funny, stupid, insane requests or comments and complaints we receive.  Here are a few things I would have loved to have said to a guest, but had to bite my tongue many times.


~ Ah yes, we would love to move that beam for you during your function, but unfortunately that happens to be a support beam, you do know what that is right?  It would be the same support your SPANX is currently giving you.

~ Releasing 60 doves after the ceremony is a wonderful idea, OUTDOORS, not inside the ballroom.  Yes, I know we have french doors leading to the patio, but I don't think the doves follow directions all that well.

~ We spent all night rearranging your room set up for 500 people for the 6th time and you completed the survey that our service was fair.  Were we not sweating enough for you?  The black rings under our eyes were not an indication that we were up all night?  Oh and the next time you ask for another change, we will charge you the $250.00 per hour, it is in your contract, we were just being fair the first time around.

~ I know you got a great deal on your room through Expedia or Priceline or Hotels.com ~ but did you not read the fine print?  Smoking room is what you get because we can't sell those rooms and therefore put them on aforementioned sites at low rates, hence the deal... would you like me to repeat myself?

~ I don't care what the Concierge told you, my front desk staff are not included in the room rate for the Japanese shipping crew.

~ Yelling at me at the front desk because your room was not ready at 10:00am (check in time is 3:00pm) is not going to make housekeeping move any faster.  Oh and screaming that the owner is a personal friend will only guarantee that I will pick up the phone and call him and he can deal with your inconsiderate ass.

~ Sir, it took housekeeping four hours to clean your room.  Removing the duct tape, swing set (how you manage to get it attached in the shower is still a mystery to us) and oil hand print stains from the ceiling took quite a bit of time, hence the large charge on your bill.  Blaming it on our housekeeping staff is not going to work.  I seriously doubt they had time to throw one hell of a kink-fest in the room in between cleaning 209 other sleeping rooms.

~ Okay, we have seen it all.  Total cliche.  There is not ONE person who has worked in Room Service that hasn't had the door opened by a naked male/female.  Seriously dude this is getting old.  So sorry to disappoint you if we don't drop the tray and go running down the hallway screaming, we have seen it all before and we actually do have a rating system chart in our room service department.  You would be a 1, now where would you like me to place your tray?

~ Sure Mr. Douche, I totally understand why you need a room close to the EXIT door for you and your secretary to catch up on the weeks activities at work.  I totally understand that you need to be able to focus and what with all those interruptions at the office, I get it.  Now when I see you at the next Republican function with your wife, would you like to me to ask you how much work you and Miss Sluts have accomplished with this new system?

~ Excuse me, Mr. Asshole (as he walks across the lobby with girlfriend), your wife called and asked me to tell you that she kept the kids up as late as possible so that they could say goodnight, but it is a school night and hopefully they will get to speak with you in the morning.

Now this last one would be my all time favorite.  It was sent to me by a friend.  It was an actual complaint sent to the Hotel's Corporate office.  I won't go into the whole complaint, but this would have been my response.  The rest is up to your imagination.

~ Sir, I think you may have way bigger issues than the level of the water in your hotel room toilet.  Did you really have to go into detail about how you have to 'rinse off' your testicles when you are done going number two? (seriously the guest used the phrase "going number two"). Oh and thanks for letting us know in the same email that our hard boiled eggs at breakfast were not up to your standard.  (You have a standard at this point??)

And there you have it, I am sure that my fellow hoteliers can add to the list.  You too can have this much fun at $8.00 an hour!!