The Phone Call.

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This past weekend I received a phone call from my ex-husband, I had no idea what to expect and when I heard what he had to say and his concern for me I was speechless. (And we all know what a feat that is in itself.) Years ago I thought I had let go of the anger and the animosity that I felt towards him and my ex-best friend.

When you think you have things figured out the Universe quietly shows you that you're still a newbie to the game and that the lesson is never ending. I thought that I had let things go, that I had moved forward, but the phone conversation proved otherwise. To hear him say how sorry he was for what he put me through years ago had me thinking that this was a dream. Our conversation lasted over an hour and there were tears, on both parts. His concern for me was I must admit very overwhelming. I kept on looking at the phone thinking that this wasn't real.

T. was in the room and overheard my side of the conversation and I know that my ex and I both showed him that even though we had parted ways 11 years ago, we still have respect and a different kind of love for each other.

I thought that after speaking to my ex that things couldn't get more surreal than no sooner I get a text from his wife, who was my best friend. That blew me out of the water, I think I did the fish mouth water motion. A two hour conversation followed and once again there were tears on both sides of the phone. Her apology was heartfelt and accepted and it was at that moment I felt as though a weight, that I thought was lifted years ago, just lift and evaporate.

I have currently been beating myself up about the choices I have made and how they have affected T. My son is my world and all I ever wanted for him was to be healthy, happy and stable. This weekend I know that I taught T. the lesson of forgiveness and I pray that he will find it in his heart one day to forgive the person who has hurt him and who he trusted and loved for many years.

As parents we are hard on ourselves about all the wrong things we did. We need to start focusing on all the great lessons we have imparted to our children. Teaching a child the act of forgiveness is a gift that is truly priceless and most importantly the freedom to be able to walk away from the restrictive, choking chains of anger and hostility.

Ten lessons I learned from a 14 year old boy.

Deryn

Dates don't matter. You can celebrate any holiday any time.

Having a pink mohawk can brighten a challenging day.

When things get overwhelming find some Lego and build to your hearts content.

There are truly amazing, caring people out there.

Every day is a gift to be unwrapped with excitement and wonder.

Everyone faces challenges, it is how you choose to deal with them is what makes you soar.

Family is everything.

The love of your family pet is magical and makes those grey skies become clear and blue.

You're never too old to wear a bear costume.

Never stop smiling.

Deryn Blackwell http://www.doeverything.org.uk/

Dear College Football Player

Dear College Football Player:

I have seen your tweets about game day, practices and God. You post a lot about God and trusting He knows what is best for you. I am guessing you are facing some challenges right now, but my guessing is purely based on your tweets.

You have a lot of followers on Twitter and you don't follow that many people so the curious person that I am I clicked on the tab to see who you follow, because you do know that we can do that right? We can see everything you post, who you follow and who follows you.

Imagine my surprise when I saw that you follow the following:

So here's the thing, and I am totally going out on a limb here, I'm pretty sure God isn't too thrilled with this. Maybe I need to send you the WWJD bracelet? Maybe you need a lesson in social media that to follow accounts such as the booty bunch above, have a private one. That way the world and your mother doesn't have to see inside your perverted mind.

Maybe the challenges you face is because God isn't too happy with you right now and is probably waiting for you to get your head out of your ass, or in this case, somebody else's.

Sincerely,
Nubian

Worth Posting.

Quite a few people on Twitter have been posting the following article written by Gerald Rogers. Huffington Post then picked up on it.  I thought I would share with my blog buddies as it really is great advice, not only for our spouses/partners, but for all that are precious in our life.

Grab yourself a cup of tea and sit in a comfy chair. This is great reading. I would love to hear your thoughts on the article.

MARRIAGE ADVICE I WISH I WOULD HAVE HAD by Gerald Rogers.

Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had...

1) Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.

2) PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

3) FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER and OVER again. You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

4) ALWAYS SEE THE BEST in her. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.

5) IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

6) TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

7) NEVER BLAME your wife If YOU get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

Allow your woman to JUST BE. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

9) BE SILLY… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

10) FILL HER SOUL EVERYDAY… learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.

11) BE PRESENT. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

12) BE WILLING TO TAKE HER SEXUALLY, to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

13) DON’T BE AN IDIOT…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.

14) GIVE HER SPACE… The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)

15) BE VULNERABLE… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

16) BE FULLY TRANSPARENT. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don't know i she will like what she finds... Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

17) NEVER STOP GROWING TOGETHER… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

18) DON’T WORRY ABOUT MONEY. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.

19) FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

20) ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

In the end MARRIAGE isn’t about Happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come.

Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.

These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late.

But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I LOVED being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.

If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for.

The woman that told him 'I do', and trusted her life with him, has been waiting for this man to step up.

If you are reading this and your marriage isn’t what you want it to be, take 100% responsibility for YOUR PART in marriage, regardless of where your spouse is at, and commit to applying these lessons while there is time.

MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE : Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from you.

Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.

Would It One Day Matter?

I don't like a lot of things I would actually say my hate for certain things is on an even keel with things I love. This blog post is about one of the things I hate is uncaring, unfeeling people.

Living in a college town has been very challenging for me, I should write a book on my adventures. We live in a very nice part of town and we don't have many students in our area. The students that do live here I think are more in the graduate school level, so we are not witness to many parties or late night shenanigans.

At the end of the school year our dumpster becomes a treasure trove. I am literally left speechless as to what is thrown away. Many of the items I take to the Vina Moses Center and many other items we keep. T has scored brand new clothes, an office chair, Oakley sunglasses, Pioneer sound system, coffee table, DVD's, books and I recently scored an awesome Dyson vacuum cleaner. I have the entire family involved now in dumpster hunting.

Yesterday I found this recipe binder in the dumpster. It looked new as the plastic wrapping was semi attached.  When I opened the binder my heart sank. One of the college girls who moved out threw this away. This binder of recipes was lovingly put together for her by her grandmother. Every recipe had a story. This must have taken a lot of time and effort to put together. It was a gift to her in 2010 and one that was never used.

I don't follow this person on Twitter, but I know who she is. I was thinking of keeping the binder and one day if she ever posts that her grandmother has passed away I would send her the binder. Would she  even care?

A few weeks ago I spent time with my cousins on the East Coast. I picked my Aunts brains for all her recipes and wrote them down and they are now in a database of family recipes. Over the years I have collected everything that my Mother bakes and creates as I want those to be passed down to future generations.

I am sad that this girl didn't care enough to save this binder and that she couldn't see all the time and effort that was put into making this for her. Judging by the letter in the front of the binder her grandmother was very involved in her life.

When I see things like this I have the itch on the bottom of my feet to go into Ninja Bitch mode. I hope that one day she will realize what she threw away. I guess until then the only person important to her is the one she sees in the mirror.

How very sad.

Ten lessons I learned from watching Star Trek.

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1.  There is always an alternative.

2.  Distress signals should be ignored.

3.  Trust no-one.

4.  Always set phasers to stun.

5.  No-one pays attention to the Captain's orders.

6.  Even with super advanced mapping equipment you still end up in areas you should not be in.

7.  Torpedos are never ready when you need them.

8.  There are no back ups to the warp engines.

9.  There are still egotistical ass holes in the future.

10. Even in space I'm going to have to deal with gorgeous, skinny, alien bitches.

Right Candy. Wrong Flavor.

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Last week I grabbed a piece of T's candy. I am not a huge candy fan, but I do like the occasional  Starburst. They remind me of the Sugus candy we had in South Africa.

My favorite flavor is orange so I grabbed one of those and popped it into my mouth. As I was chewing I noticed that the flavor was beginning to change. It became tart and then morphed into a flavor that I couldn't put my finger on. I looked at the packaged and saw the fine print. (Okay, fine print to me.)  This was the new Starburst Morph range.

I started to think how this candy represented so many aspects of my life.  The package was in a sense the same, only my expectation of the flavor changed and I was left disappointed.

And there you have it in a nutshell, my 2x4 moment, the realization that we set ourselves up in life for our own disappointments. The package never lies, we just choose to either ignore or not pay attention to the fine print.

So Many Times We Forget to Say Thank You.

My favorite picture of T and Mr. Harris at graduation 2010

I was going through my pictures the other day and came across this picture of T. and his biology teacher, Mr. Harris.  This photo was taken at T's high school graduation.  I love this photograph as it epitomizes the relationship that Mr. Harris had, not only with T, but with all his students.  I never did get to say thank you.

So here it is.

Dear Mr. Harris,

Thank you for always believing in T and for never accepting work from him that you felt was inferior to what he was capable of doing.

Thank you for challenging T to think outside the conforming box, to question, research and question again.

Thank you for never giving up on T when he had those bad days when he didn't complete an assignment.  You held him accountable with his grade, but you showed compassion and kindness.

Thank you for respecting T as a human being and not blowing off his questions with condescending criticism.

Thank you for making Biology fun.  The classroom made up as a cell with masking tape was brilliant.

Thank you for your geekiness and nerdiness that helped T and so many other students deal with being stereotypes.    

Thank you for being firm, but gentle when lines were crossed.

Thank you for keeping me, the helicopter mom, informed of T's progress weekly and not surprise me with any "He did what?" at parent teacher conference. 

Thank you for dipping into your own pocket on more than one occasion to make science fun. 

Thank you for touching so many students lives in a positive way, it is no surprise you were regarded as the coolest teacher.

Thank you for allowing T to fail at certain things, to make him try harder, to make him understand that nothing comes easy or is free.

Thank you for making a difference.

With warmest regards,
T's Mom

Wine and lessons learned.

Middelvlei Wine Estate, Stellenbosch, South Africa

I was raised on great wine.  My father always told us to never use cheap wine in cooking, a rule I follow to this day.  I remember my father sharing a very old bottle of wine.  This wine had a wax seal.  People could not believe he opened it.  

When I graduated high school I decided to go into the hospitality industry.   One of our requirements was we do a wine course through KWV.  It was somewhat extensive and in depth and I thought I knew quite a bit about South African wines.

Fast forward to 2007 and Thanksgiving.  Bear, T and myself decided to fly to Seattle and have a great vacation.  No worries of family and cooking.  One morning we decided to visit Pike Place Market.  We found a wine shop professing they sold wines from Washington and around the world.   We went inside and I inquired if they sold any South African wines.  The sales person, loudly, responded. "Oh my God the owner would never sell South African wine, their Pinotage is disgusting." He proceeded to turn and mumble to a customer and I sheepishly left the store.  I was mortified.  All my training and this person basically made me feel as though I was asking for a box of Franzia while scratching my crotch and trying to balance a baby on a hip with a cigarette hanging from between my lips.

Ever since that encounter I have second guessed myself when it comes to wine.  I am intimidated by people who smell "layers" in the bouquet and can virtually pick out the soil and date of harvest.  I never was that intense, but I thought I knew something about wines.

After I kicked Facebook to the curb I discovered Twitter.  I am sure there are a few people out there that wished I hadn't, but it is so, they will get over it.  My very first winery that started following me was Seven Bridges Winery in Portland. (@7BridgesWinery)  Slowly I discovered more wineries and more wine connoisseurs and I started to follow them and learn.  Many of these wine peeps have thousands of followers, intimidating in itself, but you all know the Princess, she marches forward and takes her place. (Bull in china shop comes to mind).

The first wine person I reached out to was Beau. (click on link, you will love his blog) (@UCBeau) He helped me with a selection for my chilli dinner and I had some questions afterwards with regards to the taste.  He was very kind and patient and explained that while the wine was excellent with the chilli, the corn bread was not a perfect pairing.  So much goes into pairing thought and I learned a lesson.  I think that where ever Beau ends up working in Oregon in the wine industry he will be a great asset to any company as he doesn't snob it up and he listens.

I have met some great wineaux's on Twitter.  Jack (@NWwines) has told me to trust my nose.  I was drinking a South African blend and could only smell Vanilla, so thanks to Twitter, I tweeted him and asked him if I was in the ball park.

Wineries such as Kramer Vineyards (@KimKramerwine) Left Coast Cellars (@Leftcoastwine), Skylite Cellars (@Skylitecellars) Seven Bridges Winery (@7bridgeswinery), Tweeters such as Lars (@virtuallars), Becky (@BeckyKramerWine) have welcomed me into their group and have once again given me the confidence in trusting in myself and the wine.

If you are on Twitter I would recommend you follow these great folk.  Join me in the journey of discovering new wines and best of all, new friends.

Lesson learned.  For every one insensitive wine sales person out there, there are dozens of kind caring wine connoisseurs to help you along in the great journey of wine discovery.

Cheers.

5 Best decisions of my adult life.

Today I was reading Free Anissa's blog.  She posted what the 5 best decisions of her adult life were.  I don't have any good student stories, I think they are all hiding from me, so I decided to post my 5.

Bear with elephant slobber. Botlierskop Private Game Reserve, South Africa

1.  Marrying Bear
I met Bear in 1999 while organizing a military conference.  I was married at the time, but always admired him and his gentle spirit.  In 2004 after my divorce I was on the Air Force base and who should walk into the office, Bear.  We have been together ever since.  He is my rock, my stability, my calm, my partner, my best friend and my everything.

Benny Beaver and Me.  I had to knock a few 5 year old kids out the way for this picture.

2.  Moving to Oregon
Having lived in Utah for a very long time, we made the decision to move to Oregon.  Bear is a resident of Oregon and we didn't want him to lose residency, plus he needed to complete his degree at OSU.  It was tough to leave my friends who were my adoptive family, but leaving Zion was very easy.  My mantra is... I know I am going straight to heaven as I served my time in hell.

T volunteered for 3 months at Lone Pine Koala Sanctuary, Brisbane, Australia

3.  Cutting the umbilical cord and allowing T to take his gap year in Australia, South Africa and England.
For some parents they cut the cord a long time ago.  For me, it took a while.  When I was married to the ex for many years, it was T and I against the world.  As a graduation gift from my mother, T was given the opportunity to take his gap year traveling.  During the time he was gone I got to know me again and T got to grow up.  We are both better for it.

They always look so serious.

4.  Cleaning homes and taking care of 7 boys from Saudi Arabia.
After struggling to find a job in my profession I decided to clean homes.  One thing my parents taught us growing up was that there is no job that is beneath you.  Everything fell into place when I started cleaning for a few students from Saudi Arabia.  I currently have seven that I not only clean for, but take care of.  I am their American Mom and I love what I do.

Harris Bridge, Corvallis, Oregon

5.  Divorcing negative friends and tightening my circle of positive ones.
After the death of a dear friend this year I learned the hard lesson of differentiating between a true friend and a fair weather friend.  My heart still aches sometimes over the loss of these friendships, but also rejoices at having found the true ones.

Lessons Learned.

Silver Falls, Oregon ~ Father's Day 2011

1.  Be kind.

2.  Never let the sun set on your anger.

3.  Reach out.

4.  Forgive.

5.  Hug often.

6.  Stop saving that wine for a special occasion.  Pop that cork and celebrate now.

7.  Focus on those that love you.

8.  Celebrate.

9.  Giggle more. (Yes guys can giggle too)

10.  Be blessed.

You never know.

A few years ago I found Kiva.  For those of you that don't know what it is here is a quick summary.  You loan someone money that Kiva has determined needs help.  Over a period of time they pay you back and you are free to take your money and move on or reinvest.

Many months ago I loaned $25.00 to a gentleman in Lebanon to help with his business.  Kiva notified me that he had repaid the loan.  I chose to reinvest and I went through the list of people needing a loan for their various ventures.  I selected a woman in Africa and as I clicked to reinvest my $25.00 I was notified that this woman now had her complete loan and was able to move forward with her business.

Sometimes we don't always get to see what a difference we make in someone's life.  Thanks to Kiva I was able to.