Inner Peace.

In 1990 I left my home country, my family and friends. My adventures started in Seattle, I met people, belonged for a while and then moved. San Diego was my next stop, a Navy wife, people flitting in and out of my life and then we moved. For the next 17 years my stop was Utah and as always I came in on the tail end of other people's circle.

What I have struggled the most with is that I have never felt as though I really belonged, I was never a part of a circle. In 2010 we moved to Oregon. Another move. Another circle.

My family and closest friends are spread out over 3 continents, and sometimes when I remember it feels as though I have been hit with that wave. Whenever I miss them, I go for a long walk on the beach and the connection to home is what brings me inner peace.

The sea air fills my lungs and takes me back to those summer days spent on the beach with our Morey Boogie Boards, my Black Widow paddle ski, Duran Duran and midnight movies. Picnics on the beach, tanning with baby oil and vinegar and being connected.

I hear laughter and I am transported back to my mothers home, my sisters, mother, aunt, brother, best friend all having tea, or enjoying another marvelous meal my mother prepared, sharing stories, laughing, and me never failing to remind my younger sister that she is adopted. The room is filled with peace and love.

Somedays when I walk along the beach I see people flying kites and I watch as they gently glide them through the air, the wind guiding, dipping, twisting and turning, absolute serenity and I am mesmerized. When practicing mindfulness this is where I go when my head goes dark.

Through this journey I have learned that when you are at one with the universe and what is before you, that is when your own personal circle is complete and that is what should matter.

We Are One.

I was recently watching a show on Netflix and heard this song. It epitomizes how I have been feeling of late.

I hope you enjoy it.

Peace, abundant blessings, love and kindness to you all.

Reflections.

South Beach, Oregon

What a week this has been.  Another shooting. Families left grieving and hurting. People arguing over what we should or shouldn't do, how much did our President say, how little did our President say. The list is never ending.

What I do know is that the lives of the victims families will forever be changed. Whenever such a tragedy occurs people will post how we need to be kind to each other and then everyone goes back to how they were. Jobs become more important, money becomes our god, stuff becomes the must have and we forget.

This morning I went for a long walk on the beach and reflected on all the people in my life and how each one has helped me grow and become the person I am today. My foundation is my family and how blessed I am to have been born into this crazy, loving family. My mother is my stability, and my siblings will fight my battles whether I want them to or not. My Aunts and Uncles and kajillion cousins will always be there to circle the wagons when I need protection.

With this strong, loving foundation how could I not have chosen the amazing friends I have in my life today. This week I received an email from a friend in Spain who thanked me for coming into his life, a friend who should have been a therapist and I feel absolutely guilty for not paying him for his advice. Besos. Another friend, after a long phone call, declared "You know what you need, a visit from me." and promptly made his reservations to visit. NNM the 16th, the wine is waiting.  A football game with my most level headed friend, appearing on the jumbotron 3 times and laughing, lots and lots of laughing.

Last year I wrote a letter to friends letting them know how much they mean to me and what a difference they made in my life. I still have a few more to mail. This should be my project when I feel the walls start to close in.  Instead of wallowing, get to writing.

I reflected on my previous marriage and how I never thought that the ex and I would ever have come to a place of peace.  My life now has so many uncertainties, but is filled with trust, love and hope. To be able to give the gift of solitude and peace and to know that instead of letting go to just let it be.

My greatest gift and the person who has taught me so many lessons about life, love and trust is T. That kid that is wiser than his 23 years, who sometimes has to give me the pep talks to keep me going, and who hasn't ever disappointed.

So while many are arguing about what is currently going on in the world, I chose to take two hours today to reflect on those that fill my soul, the people that keep me going and to whom I hope I do show love and kindness to every, single, day.

Affirmation.

Thank you Elisa for my beautiful affirmation bangle. 

While living in Corvallis I attended a local art fair and discovered Saucy Jewelry. I was leaving the following week to visit friends in England and I found an affirmation bangle for my friend Lisa which said "She thought she could so she did." Lisa was going through a tough time and I wanted her to have something that she could look at everyday and keep her motivated and moving forward.

There wasn't any phrase that Elisa had that really stuck out for me, so I didn't buy an affirmation bangle for myself at that time.

These past few months have been a tough one for me and it has been a huge learning curve for me not only about people, but mostly about myself. A few weeks ago I was reading a book on codependency as I was trying to figure out why did I think that it was okay to allow people to treat me in a less than favorable manner.

I post daily affirmations on my G+ account and was trying to find something one day on codependency. When I pulled up the images the first one that popped up was "Examine what you tolerate." This was profound. I sat staring at the screen for a while and just let those four words sink in. "Examine what you tolerate."

I have thought about those four words every day since discovering them and then that light above my head moment happened and I knew I finally had the words for my affirmation bangle. I contacted Elisa at the beginning of this week and yesterday when I got back to the condo a package was waiting for me. My bangle was here.

There are some that may think it silly to rely on an object to keep one moving forward, but at this point of my life and learning that it's okay to be me, I really don't care what people think. What matters is me and my inner peace and calm and when the next person that treats me in that unfavorable manner I will look down at my wrist and glance upon the words on my bangle and then slowly walk away.




Please visit Elisa at Saucy Jewelry and see all the wonderful pieces she makes. Click on the link here.

The Phone Call.

Source

This past weekend I received a phone call from my ex-husband, I had no idea what to expect and when I heard what he had to say and his concern for me I was speechless. (And we all know what a feat that is in itself.) Years ago I thought I had let go of the anger and the animosity that I felt towards him and my ex-best friend.

When you think you have things figured out the Universe quietly shows you that you're still a newbie to the game and that the lesson is never ending. I thought that I had let things go, that I had moved forward, but the phone conversation proved otherwise. To hear him say how sorry he was for what he put me through years ago had me thinking that this was a dream. Our conversation lasted over an hour and there were tears, on both parts. His concern for me was I must admit very overwhelming. I kept on looking at the phone thinking that this wasn't real.

T. was in the room and overheard my side of the conversation and I know that my ex and I both showed him that even though we had parted ways 11 years ago, we still have respect and a different kind of love for each other.

I thought that after speaking to my ex that things couldn't get more surreal than no sooner I get a text from his wife, who was my best friend. That blew me out of the water, I think I did the fish mouth water motion. A two hour conversation followed and once again there were tears on both sides of the phone. Her apology was heartfelt and accepted and it was at that moment I felt as though a weight, that I thought was lifted years ago, just lift and evaporate.

I have currently been beating myself up about the choices I have made and how they have affected T. My son is my world and all I ever wanted for him was to be healthy, happy and stable. This weekend I know that I taught T. the lesson of forgiveness and I pray that he will find it in his heart one day to forgive the person who has hurt him and who he trusted and loved for many years.

As parents we are hard on ourselves about all the wrong things we did. We need to start focusing on all the great lessons we have imparted to our children. Teaching a child the act of forgiveness is a gift that is truly priceless and most importantly the freedom to be able to walk away from the restrictive, choking chains of anger and hostility.

My visit to Brunswick, Maine.

Maine Moose

This weekend I visited with our friends Jon and Erica who live in Maine. It was a much needed break and mini vacation. Jon was T's Biology teacher in high school and you can read about him in this blog post I did a while ago. Brunswick, Maine is home to Bowdoin College and a very quaint college town. It reminds me a lot of Corvallis, Oregon.

Jon and Erica have just purchased a home and have started doing renovations and I couldn't think of a better way to take out my frustration on peeling off wallpaper and taping up shit. My OCD was in over drive. My weekend adventure is documented in photographs, a type of graphic novel for those that don't like to read lengthy blogs.

Erica putting the finishing touches on the
crown molding.

Jon making sure that the caulking is perfect. 

Me on the phone to RyRy and peeling wallpaper.

Marley, my godchild, supervising from the bedroom.

All the ducks in the neighborhood.

Ducks hanging out at the neighbors. 

Brunswick Saturday Flea Market. 

Nightmares in the making. 

For my friend Berta

Amazing collection of salt and pepper pots.

The wonderful Hannah from Gracie's Garden

Lacto-Fermented vegetables. They are awesome. I bought the beets to
bring back home to Oregon. 

Wonderful cheese from Balfour Farm. 

After the farmer's market we had to have Gelato.

So much to choose from. The winner was the Vegan Chocolate Gelato.
UNBELIEVABLE.

What I woke up to this morning. 

Practicing the Kind Heart.

My beautiful Orchid gift from Mel - Ms Rainbow and Glitter

I recently read an article "Practicing the Good Heart"  and after reading it I thought I should share with my blog readers. The word compassion is mentioned many times. I have never been able to watch those reality TV cop shows as to me, those criminals, that is a person whose life went horribly wrong. Maybe they were wired wrong from birth, maybe their upbringing was not ideal, I don't know, but my compassion for them as a human being is deep and their suffering is not one I think we should get any joy of watching. Please don't get me wrong, I currently can't find the compassion for the people who kidnapped my father and murdered him, that would take a whole lot of meditation, prayer and wine, vodka and lots of Godiva chocolate to find the compassion and that is why I hand that bag of dog poop over to the dear Lord. He's got that one.

If my friends and family were asked to describe me in one word, I would hope that it would be, KIND. My friend in Oregon, Ms. Berta, told me when we first became friends she didn't know how to handle my kindness because with so many people she knew they always expected something in return. She learned that with me it was and is a part of who I am and that she has learned to just accept and appreciate and enjoy. That is all I want, just say thank you, give me hug, make me a cup of tea and spread some sunshine.

I have always tried to see the good in others and sometimes to my own detriment. There have been many times when I have helped friends/family/neighbors/charities the list is endless, that there is bound to be that ONE person that I am going to piss off. Not by anything I have said, but completely based on what I have done. I have learned that by me being kind and helping is going to put someones nose out of joint because after hearing how much help I have been, the focus that once they had has now been taken off them and that little jealousy worm inches its way into their soul.

Recently on Social Media I saw this happen with people I thought were friends. I was taken aback by the abruptness and harshness of words and all because I had been kind. Until last night I would constantly beat myself up over this. I could not wrap my head around as to why can't people just be happy that a friend/family/organization is getting help. Then the light bulb went on. It's not me. It's them, that tiny group of people who will look at others and say "Why them and not me?" instead of "I am so happy for them."

I have no control over people's insecurities. I have no control over how miserable people are within themselves. What I do have control over is that I won't allow those people to dictate to me on whether I should continue to be kind. Being kind and compassionate opens up a level of vulnerability that hurts. It is that wound that never heals. Just when you think you can barely see the scar you knick it again and it is exposed and raw. It is those days that I question whether being me is worth all this scar tissue.

I think living the life of a monk would be great. Living as a recluse where all you have is yourself and your thoughts. No one to invade your space, to hurt you with anger and jealousy. I could take a vow of silence, I do it every night when I am sleeping so no problem there.

When the days become tough and the outside world has slithered its way inside my head and all I want to do is escape retreat to the hills, I find myself walking up the driveway of my cousin's home and I look up and see Adorabalicious running towards me , arms out stretched yelling "Prima, Prima*" and it is then that I say to myself, "Bring it on bitches, I got this".




*Prima is the Portuguese word for cousin.

I am my father's daughter.

Me and my daddy. 

In my father's will he left a coin to T.  Only 215 of these coins had been minted.  Last week I took the coin to a dealer to have appraised.

The conversation went as follows:

Dealer: (checking internet) I see only a few were minted. Very interesting coin.  How much do you want for it?

Me:  I don't want to sell it, I need to know a value for insurance purposes.

Dealer: (takes coin and throws it back on the counter towards me) This is a re-strike.

Me: How can you tell?

Dealer:  The 8 is larger than the 9

Me: Could I use your magnifying glass to see? (hands me glass) I don't see any difference.

Dealer: It's not a re-strike, it's a re-pour.  This coin has no value.

I left the coin dealer and as I drove home I wept.  I wept for my father who was once again duped by someone he helped financially.  I wept for my father who would give the shirt off his back to those that needed it.  I wept for my father and for how many times people continued to abuse his kindness and love.

Something made me stop at another coin dealer in town.  I took it in and it so happened that there was a coin dealer from New York who was very familiar with South African coins.  I asked him to look at the coin as I was told that it was a re-strike or re-pour.  He looked at the coin and he told me that is was genuine.  It was the real thing. His advice was to send it into NGC for appraisal.

The relief that washed over me was immense.  Finally someone had not duped my father.  When my father was murdered and I was going through all of his things I came across a wooden box.  I opened the wooden box and was in disbelief.  There were hundreds of pieces of papers of IOU's that people had signed of money they 'borrowed' from my father.  There were promises of paybacks and dates.  The amounts were incredulous. To this day not one of those people have come forward to repay the loan. We as a family made a decision not to approach those people.  That is not what my father would have wanted.

I am my father's daughter.  I give of my heart too freely.  I love too deeply and I trust blindly. I am the first to be there to pick someone up when they have fallen.  I am the first to be someone's cheerleader when their depression engulfs them.  I am the one that gently pushes and helps people towards their dreams and goals.

My mother reminded me today that I will always be who I am.  That I will always be my father's daughter.

And that is something to be proud of.