Monday, January 21, 2013

Reflections.



It is always about the attitude and the pose. 

Today is my 47th birthday.  Not a milestone birthday by any means.  Many of my friends had a very hard time when they turned 40.  That was the number to them.  The number that meant it was a fast trip down the hill.

My 40th birthday was truly one of my most memorable.  Bear and I were newly weds and he planned one of the most incredible birthday celebrations for me.  He had devoted many hours to compiling and  putting together a movie about my life and I was in tears through out the entire production.  My career was on a high, I had a great job, T was doing well and our family life was loving and calm.  I was confident in who I was and that I was loved.

Move on seven years later and I feel as though I am in a black hole, drifting, uncertain and afraid.  (This could also be attributed to me watching too many reruns of Star Trek.)  Life gives us all a few hard knocks and we are taught to get up, brush ourselves off and keep moving forward.  After how many knocks does one call a time out?  Why is it that I want to wave the white flag and call surrender?

Over the years as a Mother and a Wife we tend to forget who we are as many of us take on our roles with vigor and determination.  Then one day you look around and notice that something is different.  The sun isn't shining as bright anymore and the stars have lost their twinkle. Slowly the black hole starts to suck you in.

The first text I received today was from my cousin.  She wrote "Happy birthday to a gorgeous, brilliant and super witty woman! You will always be my cool cousin with the pink Citi Golf."

I currently don't feel as if I am any of those things and isn't that how it always is, we can never see the wood for the trees when we are engulfed in depression.

During my darkest days there has been one constant, my umbilical cord to reality. I have never lost focus on that I have an incredible family that loves me unconditionally and who will forever be my biggest cheerleaders.

It is because of them that I have reached my 47th birthday.

18 comments:

  1. Happy birthday Lidia. Hope it was a good day. Hatty from London

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    1. Thank you so much Hatty. Day has been very relaxing.

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  2. Happy birthday Lidia - do take the time to get out and see the stars, ideally with a large bottle of wine lol

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    1. At this point David it will have to be a few cases.

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  3. Happy Birthday Lidia, and keep leaning on those cheerleaders.

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    1. Thanks so much Tim. Yes, I am leaning... a lot.

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  4. I know I already said it, but Happy Birthday! These days, I've been feeling that "wave the white flag and call surrender" feeling a lot myself, but as you pointed out, focusing on the people who love us (and maybe a few other good things in life) is what keeps us going.

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  5. I hope your birthday was filled with light.

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    1. It was good. There was cake and wine.

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  6. You know what else is 47 years old? Star Trek, that's what. Coincidence? I think not.

    Happy Birthday. I hate cliches and this is one, but I kind of know how you feel. I don't know if it gets better, but it gets tolerable. And then we medicate and it gets freeeeeeaking awesome!

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    1. I stopped the meds so.... they were getting in the way of my wine.

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  7. I love you, and I am glad you are catching up to me <3

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  8. Belated Birthday wishes. I like to ignore birthdays, pretend that every day is a special day just for me x.
    I always wondered who drove a pink Citi Golf ;-)

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    1. Thank you and yes I had the very first Pink Citi Golf. Loved that car.

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  9. You'll pull out of that black hole yet. You are such a wonderfully positive, caring, supporting person -- you will rise to the top, my friend! Those stars will be yours! The world will be yours! But in the meantime, one day at a time. One foot at a time. Getting to tomorrow, getting to the day after. It'll happen -- one foot at a time.

    Also: Happy Birthday, belated as it may be. I hope it was a damn fine day.

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