|It is always about the attitude and the pose.|
Today is my 47th birthday. Not a milestone birthday by any means. Many of my friends had a very hard time when they turned 40. That was the number to them. The number that meant it was a fast trip down the hill.
My 40th birthday was truly one of my most memorable. Bear and I were newly weds and he planned one of the most incredible birthday celebrations for me. He had devoted many hours to compiling and putting together a movie about my life and I was in tears through out the entire production. My career was on a high, I had a great job, T was doing well and our family life was loving and calm. I was confident in who I was and that I was loved.
Move on seven years later and I feel as though I am in a black hole, drifting, uncertain and afraid. (This could also be attributed to me watching too many reruns of Star Trek.) Life gives us all a few hard knocks and we are taught to get up, brush ourselves off and keep moving forward. After how many knocks does one call a time out? Why is it that I want to wave the white flag and call surrender?
Over the years as a Mother and a Wife we tend to forget who we are as many of us take on our roles with vigor and determination. Then one day you look around and notice that something is different. The sun isn't shining as bright anymore and the stars have lost their twinkle. Slowly the black hole starts to suck you in.
The first text I received today was from my cousin. She wrote "Happy birthday to a gorgeous, brilliant and super witty woman! You will always be my cool cousin with the pink Citi Golf."
I currently don't feel as if I am any of those things and isn't that how it always is, we can never see the wood for the trees when we are engulfed in depression.
During my darkest days there has been one constant, my umbilical cord to reality. I have never lost focus on that I have an incredible family that loves me unconditionally and who will forever be my biggest cheerleaders.
It is because of them that I have reached my 47th birthday.