Hello my name is America and I am depressed.

Becoming a US Citizen and all the amazing people who came to witness
this incredible moment.

Growing up in South Africa I always thought of America as a very intimidating country. Watching the news America was always portrayed as the quarterback, the main man, and the rest of the world just mere spectators.

In 1990 I had an opportunity to come to America and I embarked on the journey with my carefree adventurous spirit. America was nothing to what I thought it would be. I thought that everyone was wealthy, there was no homeless and kids didn't get lower than a B in school. I guess I watched too much American TV and the news to not think any differently. To say that this was a huge culture shock is not giving the in your face glaring reality of something that wasn't, zero credit. There were homeless people, lots of homeless people; the ignorance and lectures I had to endure from many people when they learned I was from South Africa are too numerous to mention and I quickly learned that not every kid in school got straight A's and there were even some who didn't go to school.

There was, however, one thing that remained the same. The confidence of the American people with some bordering on arrogance was still intimidating to me, but then I saw what many accomplished and how their dreams were being realized and it opened my eyes to a different perception. Everyone worked together in some form or another, smiled and the tone of the country was contentment. It became the house with the white picket fence dream and I was taking on all that it had to offer.

Fast forward to today and this is not the country I was introduced to 24 years ago. We have a government who can't seem to get their shit together and have lost the "We the people" mentality to the "What's in it for me" attitude. Daily on Twitter I watch people name calling, trash talking and generally hitting below the belt when you happen to mention your opinion. A while ago I had posted an article that Rachel Maddow had written and immediately someone who followed me wrote "Hey look everyone, another feminist c___ on Twitter." I was floored. I have seen an ugly side to people who when they feel they are not winning the argument the name calling begins. We are truly a country divided.

We salivate over reality TV to see wealthy, poor et al go at each other. We are no better than the Romans going to the Colossum to watch Christians being barbarically murdered. The news media is split and the non fact checking garbage that is out there is enough to make ones head explode. My husband's philosophy is that anyone who listens and believes what a person is saying on the TV/Radio must remember that these people rely on ratings to help fatten their wallets, and the more bizarre the claim the better.

No one smiles anymore. Today I went for a walk and every person I passed I smiled at and it wasn't reciprocated or maybe they thought that there was something wrong with this smiling woman all bundled up.  I watched people in cars on their cell phones rushing to where ever they were going, like ants on a mission. As I sat in the bakery I overheard a conversation about money and Christmas debt and how this person was going to have to find a second job to pay off their credit cards. One only has to see Black Friday and what it has become and you have to ask yourself "Why?" what void is trying to be filled.

Did you know that 105 suicides are committed a day in America? According to The American Association Suicidology  those numbers have dramatically increased since 2010. After the Wall Street fiasco life in the house with the white picket fence America was no more. So many Americans lost their homes and are living out of their cars or in tent cities. We have people losing their unemployment benefits, college students graduating with an insane amount of debt and many families taking on second jobs to survive. It seems that the majority of the American people are just surviving and that depression is slowly eating away at that confidence that I witnessed many years ago.

As we face 2014 my wish for everyone this year is to be kind to yourself and each other. Focus on what you have, what is around you, take long walks, dance in the rain, laugh more, love as if this is your last moment on earth and most importantly, smile.

Depression by Sam Coleman

Today via Twitter I came across this blog post by Sam Coleman. What an incredibly powerful post and with Sam's permission I am sharing this post with you. 

“We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses” – Carl Jung

A black slug. That’s what it felt like to me. A fat, bloated black slug wrapped around my chest. Some days it squeezed me until I couldn’t breathe. Other days it allowed me some space to open my eyes and look around. But it was always there. It was consistent in the nature of its existence.

I have friends with deep cuts gouged into their arms by razors. I have friends with scars across their wrists. I used to know someone that ate incessantly just to block out the screaming in their ears. I even knew someone who tried to kill themselves on a fairly regular basis. This is nothing new. If you take a few minutes to look around the world and understand what some people have to experience in their lives you start to understand how this world can be just too much for some people. Sometimes the veil of depression can suffocate you to the point where you can’t actually breathe anymore.

I am no expert. I am suspicious about corporate drug companies that supply legal drugs to control behaviour patterns, to control the internal journey, to control personal spiritual evolution. I am of the opinion that there are options. There are options for children with behavioural problems. There are options that invoke epiphanies and growth without the use of addictive and life threatening legal drugs. There have to be. I have watched friends start a course of Prozac only to see the light in their eyes die to a cold, dead throb. More people die every year from the use and over prescription of legal drugs than from illegal drugs. Remember that I am no expert.

My experience of depression doesn’t deserve space here. It’s a disease. It’s a throttling, heart breaking, untouchable growth that starts in your mind and spreads. Only the individual can understand their own depression and how to characterise it. Only the individual can take their own journey to understand and fully change their depression. But you’ll need help. You’ll need to communicate. We all need to communicate to take the stigma away from depression. I’m not going to talk about my depression here. It’s an ugly piece of my life that I’m glad to have forgotten.

Becoming a Father has made me think to some depth about how it will be should Eve become depressed. You start to think about the questions you will ask, the appropriate communication levels and what help you can offer as a parent. There may be times when she won’t need my help at all but rather the support and guidance of friends who understand her on levels I may not. There may be a time when I or my wife become depressed and she will inevitably be a part of it. I have to be realistic. I have to be honest, open and approachable as a Father and as an individual.

In the depths of a depression there is no perceived answer. There is no solution for you. There is very little point in you being alive. There is something wrapped around your very essence that is making it impossible for you to be the person you want to be. You find yourself crying for no obvious reason and can only answer “I don’t know” when someone asks you what’s wrong. There’s nothing left for you is there?

The only voice you will ever hear when you question yourself is the voice of the poisonous thing wrapping itself around your rib cage. It’s a tape worm for your soul. It’s a black fire in your belly. It’s a pale child whispering in your ear. It’s a looming, scaly, roaring behemoth clawing at your face. It’s a gigantic expanse of grey water lapping at the shores of your unconscious. Whatever you imagine it to be or how you perceive it try to not listen to it. Talk to people, even if you feel there’s no one to turn to. There are an abundance of people online, in forums, at your local GP or even in your own home that you just didn’t realise were there and will always be there for you.

Don’t listen to the monsters. Listen to yourself. There’s a big difference.

You can follow Sam at http://dustandlove.wordpress.com/  and on Twitter @Dustandlove

Reflections.

It is always about the attitude and the pose. 

Today is my 47th birthday.  Not a milestone birthday by any means.  Many of my friends had a very hard time when they turned 40.  That was the number to them.  The number that meant it was a fast trip down the hill.

My 40th birthday was truly one of my most memorable.  Bear and I were newly weds and he planned one of the most incredible birthday celebrations for me.  He had devoted many hours to compiling and  putting together a movie about my life and I was in tears through out the entire production.  My career was on a high, I had a great job, T was doing well and our family life was loving and calm.  I was confident in who I was and that I was loved.

Move on seven years later and I feel as though I am in a black hole, drifting, uncertain and afraid.  (This could also be attributed to me watching too many reruns of Star Trek.)  Life gives us all a few hard knocks and we are taught to get up, brush ourselves off and keep moving forward.  After how many knocks does one call a time out?  Why is it that I want to wave the white flag and call surrender?

Over the years as a Mother and a Wife we tend to forget who we are as many of us take on our roles with vigor and determination.  Then one day you look around and notice that something is different.  The sun isn't shining as bright anymore and the stars have lost their twinkle. Slowly the black hole starts to suck you in.

The first text I received today was from my cousin.  She wrote "Happy birthday to a gorgeous, brilliant and super witty woman! You will always be my cool cousin with the pink Citi Golf."

I currently don't feel as if I am any of those things and isn't that how it always is, we can never see the wood for the trees when we are engulfed in depression.

During my darkest days there has been one constant, my umbilical cord to reality. I have never lost focus on that I have an incredible family that loves me unconditionally and who will forever be my biggest cheerleaders.

It is because of them that I have reached my 47th birthday.