Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Take 5

This morning I was surfing the blog world and came across this blog, Mamapundit.  As a parent it will rip open your heart and the tears will flow after the first sentence.  (okay it did for me).  Katie, the mother, lost her son 1 June 2010 to addiction.  He was 18. 

I then found another blog that she had written at Babble and this post made me realize that all parents have the same fears and guilt, no matter what the scale may be.

As parents (well some of us) do the best that we can.  I am the poster Mom for being a Helicopter parent, has it hurt T, who knows maybe the whole journal on wine corks will have some impact, but I think I did okay.  For many years I was a single mom even though I was married at the time, the ex was a 'functioning' alcoholic and I did the whole shelter, hide, pretend thing for 13 years.  (side note: you do realize that our kids are much smarter than we give them credit).

I read blogs about all these parents doing these great things with their kids and I reflect on the journal entry T made when he was in 5th Grade about how I was always on the computer checking emails etc and too busy to play with him.  Talk about the dagger and a case of salt in the wound!  I look at all the things my friends do with their kids and I have no excuse as to why I wasn't supermom, I tried and my wonder outfit was more in line with a Mumu than sparkle and flash.

After reading Katie's blog I called my husband, after having to take a few breaks for the tissues, I was finally able to tell him about the blog.  As a parent you pray, hope, negotiate, accept, bribe, threaten your way through the first 18 years and then when they leave you sit beating yourself up about things that maybe you didn't say. I know that for the past six years I could not have made it through without the guidance and compassion of my husband AND his incredible thoughtfulness in constantly keeping the wine cellar very well stocked.

Everyday when I dropped T off at school I would say "Make good decisions" and he would do the courtesy grunt and eye roll.  We never have sat down and had the deep talk about life, maybe it is because I wasn't in the form of an avatar and destroying some realm that any life conversations only lasted a few minutes.

Please go read Katie's blog, both of them and then take 5.  My heart aches for her loss, but her story has made me think. 

I don't know why, but I feel the need to end this post off with the wise words of my mother.  "Be very careful what you say about other people's children when your corn is still green."

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