What she wrote. What I read.

My husband and I were at an antique store and I found a postcard that was mailed 18 June 1918 from the Strand Palace Hotel in London.  I am kicking and bitch slapping myself now for not having scanned the postcard, but there are times when I can't always be perfect.

We bought the postcard and I decided to mail it to the General Manager of the Hotel.  I thought it was the coolest thing eva'!!

On Monday I received this email:

Dear Mr and Mrs Nubian,

Thank you very much for your letter dated the 18^th September 2010. It was a pleasure to see this past picture of The Writing Room at the Strand Palace Hotel from the year 1918.

As you can imagine, over the years the hotel has received a lot of memorabilia regarding its history, but it is always a delight to receive new pictures and postcards.

The hotel has undergone a lot of changes since it was first opened. Currently we are completing a great refurbishment of our bedrooms, starting on the last floor of the 9 floors this coming Friday, 1^st October. Once completed, the refurbishment will put a modern twist on this mature established building.

Kind regards,

Personal Assistant to the General Manager
Strand Palace Hotel

This is what I read:

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Nubian:

Bloody hell not another piece of memorabilia bollocks.  We are constantly getting this rubbish and now have a basement full of this shit.  We are trying to change our image and we are now modern, get it, we are going modern. 

Thank you,

Ms.Assistant to the General Manager as he is too bloody busy to respond personally.

or maybe it is because I received this as well:

Dear Mrs. Nubian:

Thank you for submitting the application for the job of chief bottle washer and dog walker and poop picker upper.  We received an overwhelming response and at this time you are not invited to be a part of the interview pool.

Thank you

Nails on a chalkboard

I have a list of things that really, really irk me and I refer to as my nails on a chalkboard syndrome.  The topic today would be in my top five.

I love Champagne.  In the wise words of Napoleon Bonapart "A person deserves Champagne after a victory, but after a loss, needs it."

I love Champagne, REAL Champagne, the one that comes from the Region of Champagne in France and has been created in the traditional Méthode Champenoise.  After a while the Champagne bottles are put into racks where they are lovingly turned a fraction at a time.  It is an art and a talent and foreplay to me would be showing me your hands as you perform the twist method.

In South Africa we always referred to "Champagne" as Sparkling wine as per the EU it can only have the title of Champagne if it comes from the Region of Champagne in France (feel I need to constantly point this out, are you still with me on this one).

When someone mentions that they don't like Champagne I ask them what did they have expecting them to say they had this:

to which I would feign horror as this is Champagne, the only one for me.  Your first sip of this heavenly nectar fills your mouth with bubbles,  the bubbles then gently pop/burst on your tongue and the liquid evaporates quickly as the dryness, oh the dryness...

But NO, they say they had this:

Nails on a chalkboard.  I think people just say this shit to mess with me.  You may have heard about how certain things get me going that you can virtually see the hairs raise on the back of my neck and my face tighten as though I just completed an intense series of Botox shots.  I should start charging for that party trick. I have been into wine stores that refer to Sparkling Wine as Champagne and out of the corner of my eye I can just see my husband tense up and put his head down slightly and cringing waiting for the bitch slap to be delivered.  That would be known as the "lighting of the firecracker syndrome."  This is not Champagne, it is Sparkling Wine, actually it is box wine with bubbles added as an after thought. 

Now this Sparkling Wine deserves to be in the Champagne category, but it cannot be as... now let us all say it together, it is not from the Region of Champagne in France.  Good students!  Now where was I, oh yes you can buy this Sparkling Wine online through Southern Hemisphere Wines and for $10.00 a bottle, you are, without a doubt, getting a deal!

It is from South Africa, the Franschoek Valley to be exact.  The reason why this has such a special place in my heart is that I was privileged enough to receive one of the very first bottles as a gift from Mr. Achim von Arnim when I worked at the Swiss Farm Excelsior AND for me, it is the closest to Veuve Cliquot.

So now you know about just one of the many, many things that piss me off.  I think I should start blogging about those, it would give me some great writing material for a while.

Binding

The other day I saw a young girl with tiny feet and my first thought was that her mother had probably bound them when she was younger. 

Then I had a revelation, if my mother had bound my hips and ass I wouldn't be sitting with the bountiful booty.

Is it no wonder the first question out of a therapist's mouth is "Now tell me about the relationship you had with your Mother."

Going back to bed

I have just finished reading an article on Lizzie Miller.  She is considered a Plus-size model.

This is Lizzie Miller.

I am going back to bed.

Please wake me up when the bitch has gained 100lbs.

Parenting today is just too easy

When T was in the cute-I-love-my-Mommy-my-Mommy-rocks phase of his life, I would sit down with him and teach him how to tie his shoe laces.  One bunny ear, another bunny ear... you know how it goes.  Then the whole zipper, button, press stud etc training. 

Yesterday I was at Borders bookstore and came across this.

Parenting today is just WAY too easy.  Think about it, give the child the monkey and have them figure it out thus giving the parent more time for wine. 

I think I need to write a book.

Say what??

I read the Huffington Post blog every day because I enjoy reading the condensed version of the news.   If something peaks my interest I will search the Internet for more information. 

Every single time I scroll down there is something about Kim Kardashian.  I still do not know why this woman is news, my ass is bigger than hers and you don't see me in the papers now do you!

This week she is bitchin' that the pictures, that she took for Playboy a few years ago, are being published and she is so angry.  She never wanted to do them in the first place, but her Mom told her to.  Sidebar:  Advice from my Mom was to make sure I had clean knickers on when I left the house.  Just saying!

She is upset about Playboy posting pictures of her naked when she constantly tweets pictures like this?!

Sweetie, you have some serious issues. 

So after I read this and got down on my knees and lit a few candles and prayed that her 15 minutes be up real soon, I glanced over to my screen and saw this...

The bitch has two younger sisters and by the looks of things are already on the red carpet scene.  Kendall and Kylie ages 13 and 14.

Please forward your favorite cocktail recipes to me, I think I need to be drunk for a long time.

Conversations with my husband

Me:  Honey, while you are on the internet could you please find out what I need to do in order to join Weight Watchers?

husband starts to type on computer then excitedly exclaims...

Hey Nubian, I just found the coolest website on whale tracking.

You're kidding, right?

I have worked in the hospitality industry since 1985.  It truly takes a unique group of individuals to tolerate the constant abuse of the public, the long hours and the low wages.  But, there is nothing that can replace the funny, stupid, insane requests or comments and complaints we receive.  Here are a few things I would have loved to have said to a guest, but had to bite my tongue many times.


~ Ah yes, we would love to move that beam for you during your function, but unfortunately that happens to be a support beam, you do know what that is right?  It would be the same support your SPANX is currently giving you.

~ Releasing 60 doves after the ceremony is a wonderful idea, OUTDOORS, not inside the ballroom.  Yes, I know we have french doors leading to the patio, but I don't think the doves follow directions all that well.

~ We spent all night rearranging your room set up for 500 people for the 6th time and you completed the survey that our service was fair.  Were we not sweating enough for you?  The black rings under our eyes were not an indication that we were up all night?  Oh and the next time you ask for another change, we will charge you the $250.00 per hour, it is in your contract, we were just being fair the first time around.

~ I know you got a great deal on your room through Expedia or Priceline or Hotels.com ~ but did you not read the fine print?  Smoking room is what you get because we can't sell those rooms and therefore put them on aforementioned sites at low rates, hence the deal... would you like me to repeat myself?

~ I don't care what the Concierge told you, my front desk staff are not included in the room rate for the Japanese shipping crew.

~ Yelling at me at the front desk because your room was not ready at 10:00am (check in time is 3:00pm) is not going to make housekeeping move any faster.  Oh and screaming that the owner is a personal friend will only guarantee that I will pick up the phone and call him and he can deal with your inconsiderate ass.

~ Sir, it took housekeeping four hours to clean your room.  Removing the duct tape, swing set (how you manage to get it attached in the shower is still a mystery to us) and oil hand print stains from the ceiling took quite a bit of time, hence the large charge on your bill.  Blaming it on our housekeeping staff is not going to work.  I seriously doubt they had time to throw one hell of a kink-fest in the room in between cleaning 209 other sleeping rooms.

~ Okay, we have seen it all.  Total cliche.  There is not ONE person who has worked in Room Service that hasn't had the door opened by a naked male/female.  Seriously dude this is getting old.  So sorry to disappoint you if we don't drop the tray and go running down the hallway screaming, we have seen it all before and we actually do have a rating system chart in our room service department.  You would be a 1, now where would you like me to place your tray?

~ Sure Mr. Douche, I totally understand why you need a room close to the EXIT door for you and your secretary to catch up on the weeks activities at work.  I totally understand that you need to be able to focus and what with all those interruptions at the office, I get it.  Now when I see you at the next Republican function with your wife, would you like to me to ask you how much work you and Miss Sluts have accomplished with this new system?

~ Excuse me, Mr. Asshole (as he walks across the lobby with girlfriend), your wife called and asked me to tell you that she kept the kids up as late as possible so that they could say goodnight, but it is a school night and hopefully they will get to speak with you in the morning.

Now this last one would be my all time favorite.  It was sent to me by a friend.  It was an actual complaint sent to the Hotel's Corporate office.  I won't go into the whole complaint, but this would have been my response.  The rest is up to your imagination.

~ Sir, I think you may have way bigger issues than the level of the water in your hotel room toilet.  Did you really have to go into detail about how you have to 'rinse off' your testicles when you are done going number two? (seriously the guest used the phrase "going number two"). Oh and thanks for letting us know in the same email that our hard boiled eggs at breakfast were not up to your standard.  (You have a standard at this point??)

And there you have it, I am sure that my fellow hoteliers can add to the list.  You too can have this much fun at $8.00 an hour!!