The Secret

My friend and I were discussing "The Secret" today.  It is a book about positive thinking about putting good energy out there .  If you want something, you put it out to the universe and then you wait.

We both agreed that our version is so much better.

If you want something that someone has, just bitch slap them until you get it.

Yes it is good energy, have you ever bitch slapped someone, you end up feeling really, really good .

Dear Karma

Dear Karma,
I noticed that recently you have been very busy and was wondering if perhaps you have your finger stuck on the 'what goes around, comes around'  button.  I totally get it.  I know I have made a few enemies in my past, but seriously they deserved it, so I don't think I should be punished for that one. 

You do agree with me on the Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck Idiot bus, right?  So there again no karma should be dished out.   Is it the bitch slapping thing?  I don't actually do it, just blog about it so that really should not count. If it is me looking at the 'People of Wal-Mart' website, I promise to stop (unless my friends email me some hilarious pictures then that shouldn't count either). 

Could it be when I viewed other blogs and saw pictures of the friggin' perfect families and I made stabbing gestures at the screen, I didn't mean it literally.  You have to admit, you would have thrown up with the sugar overload at the perfect husband and kids postings.  If it is none of the above don't you think that being married to the ex for 13 years was enough?  WTF you had to have been sitting on the button during that time.

I really would like you to move along, there are so many people more deserving of your finger.  If you are in need of names, I do have a list.

Sincerely,
Nubian

Graduation Invites

I am in the process of stuffing envelopes with graduation announcements and photos, wax sealing the envelopes, inserting into another envelope, sealing that one with glue and addressing said envelopes.

I am doing this while drinking a large glass of white wine with a back up bottle chilling in the waste basket full of ice.  The envelopes are being addressed alphabetically.

The postperson is going to have a hell of a time deciphering addresses after the letter G.  That is when the wine started kicking in and I started to get creative with my writing.

So if anyone happens to see your invite with the squirly, over the top cursive and comments on how creative this Mom was, just keep it to yourself that this Mom was on her way to being comfortably numb.

Conversations with T

T:  Mom, now that I am 18 I can pretty much do whatever I want.

Me: Really?

T:  I don't have to take anyone's crap, okay maybe just yours.

Me:  Thank you

T:  and if I want to, I can walk out the front door any time and not come back.

Me:  Yes you can, but when you do walk out the front door make sure you are dressed the same way you were when you came into this world, naked!

T:  Being 18 sucks!

(Another day of perfect parenting complete)

Newspaper Headlines

French soccer star reportedly admits to child prostitute sex.
This year at the World Cup there will be two extra balls.  These will have previously belonged to Frank Ribery.  He is now singing soprano at the Paris Opera House.

Abortion Doctor's killer complains of treatment in prison.
I am so sorry, did you think you were supposed to go to Club Med?  I am sure the family who lost their father/husband/brother totally sympathize with you and your whining.  If you think it is bad now, wait till Bubba gets his grubby digits on you.

Jon Bon Jovi shirtless in Miami.
This is news?

Sandra Bullock without wedding ring, smiling.
It is at times like this I am grateful that I am not anyone famous, the poor woman has been dragged through a bush backwards and to stalk her with high power lenses just to see whether she is wearing a ring or not is pathetic.  Don't know who is more pathetic, the paparazzi or the people that buy this crap.  Hubby, if I am not wearing my wedding ring it doesn't mean anything, it just means I had way too many Tequila shots the night before and my hands are swollen from all the salt, okay? 

'Octomom' on Oprah ~ 'I am like a Carnival Attraction'
Yeah if you mean that you are at a Gynecologist Convention that has attraction booths, then yes you are - assume the position bitch!

Oksana Griegoriva describes sudden recent split with Mel Gibson.
I think that Paris Hilton keeps her panties on longer than this relationship lasted and we all know dear Paris.

Sarah Palin:
I have so many headlines to choose from and am so torn as they are all so great!  So I will have to think about which one deserves my Louboutin Shoe Stamp of Approval.  I do have this to say, if another woman tells me that 'She is one of us', my response will be 'The only thing we share in common is boobs, a va-jay-jay and a uterus'.  I wonder what the reaction would be?